Area Man Involved in Masturbation-related Coverup

Greenville, PA—Area resident Tom Mutbosch was caught in a complex coverup featuring masturbation at its core Tuesday afternoon. Mutbosch had reportedly been in his room all day with the door shut and the television on at low volume. Finally, around 2:15 pm EDT, mother Nancy Mutbosch went upstairs to see what her son was doing.

	Above: A note posted on Mutbosch's door warning others not to enter.

Nancy Mutbosch recounts what happened next: "At the top of the stairs I could hear the muffled sound of a television turned down real low. I put my ear to the door but couldn't make out what it was. I knocked on the door real lightly but I didn't get a response, so I turned the door knob and stuck my head in. I couldn't believe what I saw."

Nor could her son. "He was just sitting in bed, staring at me with this unbelieving look on his face," said Nancy. For a couple seconds we just stared at each other, making direct eye contact. That was certainly the worst."

Tom Mutbosch then reportedly hastily turned off the television with the remote, and started screaming "I'm masturbating! I'm masturbating! Get out! Get out!" He then pulled the covers up over his head in apparent shame. At that point Nancy meekly muttered "Just wanted to let you know that the brownies are ready," and quickly shut the door.

When asked about how they will react to the incident, Nancy answered: "Oh, we'll probably just go on as if it never happened. I don't want to even think about it, and I'm sure he feels the same way."

Her son thinks back to that moment. "I thought the door was locked, man. I made sure. God, that was so embarrasing. I switched the television off pretty quickly, and I tried to cover the whole thing up, but I think my mom knew what I was doing."

"Oh, I know exactly what he was doing," says Nancy. "I saw exactly what was on the screen. And then he's going to try to cover it up like that, as if I wouldn't know. Masturbating. Right. Okay. I know a person who's watching daytime soap operas when I see them."

Previously unknown to the rest of the family, Tom has been secretly watching Passions, NBCs second-highest rated daytime soap opera, for about 2 years.

"I know soaps are gay and everything, but a few years back, my sister was unemployed so all that we did all day was watch television. She was really into this Passions show at the time and I thought, 'Oh great, here we go!', and I started watching just to make fun of it. But after two weeks straight of watching it and making fun of it, I couldn't bring myself to stop. My sister went back to work just after that, without a thought, but I couldn't break myself off of the show. I just kept watching it. Usually in secret, recording it during the day, and then watching it late at night after every one had gone to bed, or when I was sure that everyone would be out for the day. I guess I just got careless. I was sure that I locked the door."

Above: Mutbosch views an episode of Passions from his archives.

Countered Nancy: "That'll teach me to walk in without an appropriate amount of fanfare! The door was barely even locked! All I had to do was stick the end of a metal clothes hanger into the door handle and jiggle it a little bit. I mean, if you don't want people to know what disgusting things you do behind closed doors, then you really should be more careful! And does he really think that I don't know about his stash of Soap Opera Digest magazines hidden under his mattress?"

It is apparently not the first incident of its kind in the Mutbosch household. Brother Jim Mutbosch recounts, "One time Tom thought that he was alone in the house and he went into our parent's bedroom and locked the door. I listened in and could tell that he had found my parents' stash of hidden videos. I could pretty plainly make out an old episode of Days of our Lives coming through the door. It was pretty sick.."

Mutbosch's mother just hopes that that is the last incident of its kind in her household. "I hope we never have to go through that again! I know that a lot of people do it, and it's just a part of growing up, but it just feels so dirty! When I first put my ear to the door and I could hear the smut that he was watching, I was just mortified! Daytime soaps! It was disgusting!" Added Nancy: "And what's the deal with Chad and Whitney hooking up all of the sudden, anyway? That's just bullshit."

Note: The names of those involved have been changed due to the sensitive nature of this story.