with "End Users" on the phone:
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date: |
Microsoft announced its plans to make absolutely certain all of their software is Y2K compliant. They cannot, however, be responsible for any unlicensed copies of Microsoft products, or third-party products running on a system. To remedy the situation, Bill Gates said that he would be cracking down on such unlicensed software. For more information, go see this web-site...
Microsoft Verification Info
| By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date: |
Ha ha, make absolutely sure. It's like, a MONTH till Y2K, Bill. A little late???
:P
Sol
| By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date: |
Yes, I found the above verification web-site very helpful. I highly suggest it.
Sol
| By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date: |
> Dear Mr. Adams,
>
> What is up with that last newsletter? It wasn't even funny.
> It seemed
> more like a pathetic commercial for your TV show.
>
> Andrew
>
> ---
>
> Dear Androol,
>
> You're so smart, you must have been bitten by a radioactive
> owl. Mr.
> Adams promises that the next newsletter will be devoted
> entirely to your
> personal needs. He has also agreed to change the names of
> the Dilbert
> characters to match members of your family. He hopes that
> will make it
> more relevant to you. To compensate you for the inconvenience of the
> last newsletter, Mr. Adams will lower the cost of your
> subscription from
> zero to zero.
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Dogbert
| By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date: |
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of various
city newspapers.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
| By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date: |
Ignorance is Bliss
In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises to the executive level, here is a simple explanation that is also mathematical proof:
Axiom 1: Knowledge is Power.
Axiom 2: Time is Money.
And, as every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Substituting for Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, then: Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of the Work done.
What this means is: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Bad News: If you understand this, then you likely have a large knowledge base and therefore are subject to making less money.
Doggone shame!
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date: |
Diary of a Help Desk Analyst
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday
-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19Rö9\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod-Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
---------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
--------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 18.022.01: "Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user calls. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mix-up at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit-Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum, which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date: |
A woman had recently bought the latest, greatest computer on the market. She became so obsessed with it, she would ignore her husband for hours on end, making him feel as if he didn't even exist. After several months of this, the husband thought of a unique way to get her attention away from the computer. He stripped down naked, pranced over in front of her desk, and began jumping up and down, waving his arms in the air while yelling, "SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX! SUPER SEX!"
Without even raising her head, the woman replied in an uninterested monotone, "Ummmmm... I'll have the soup."
| By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date: |
Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual
where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even
more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a backup.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved
from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
what you want to do.
| By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date: |
Notes from technical support:
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a
Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was
calling from her neighbors. She had just received her first system error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the
computer was going to blow up.
===========================================================================
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech
support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling
when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
===========================================================================
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
===========================================================================
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."
===========================================================================
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
===========================================================================
Customer: "Uhh -- I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from
there."
Customer: "Uhhhh -- ok, thanks."
===========================================================================
Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or
file name'."
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive - go to A:\ and type
'dir'."
Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place-it can't help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or
file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key -- does that matter?
===========================================================================
At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar -- "
===========================================================================
And the best for last:
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my
drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did
you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That
didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that
got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe
you would send me a disk that was broken and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we
sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your
user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to
pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have
a nice day."
| By Subcriminal (Nat) on Unrecorded Date: |
Ah... Reminds me of when I was a computer labbie.
Student: (pointing to the zip drive with a floppy disk shoved into it and whining) "Labbie! My file won't open!"
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date: |
I love those... I got a good one the other day:
As you know, I'm second-level support, so helpdesk calls me with problems they cannot resolve over the phone. So I got a call from helpdesk saying that a user is having trouble connecting to her printer. I figured the call would be easy, so I decided to call the user myself to see what was going on...
Me: Hi. I understand you're having trouble connecting to your printer?
User: Yes. Can you help me?
Me: Sure. What kind of printer is it?
User: Let me look. >pause< It's an OKI-5400
Me: Are you sure? I don't think we have any Okidata printers here. I'm sure all we have are HP.
User: That's what it says on the front of the machine.
Me: Okay, you're on the (number ommitted to protect the innocent) floor, right? Are you looking at the device on the left or the one on the right?
User: The one on the right. That's where all the print jobs come out.
Me: That's a FAX machine.
User: Oh.
Me: I'll come down and set up your printer for you.
User: Thanks!
--Is it really that difficult to tell an HP 4050 printer apart from an old Okidata FAX machine?
| By Gerrit (Gak4178) on Wednesday, January 09, 2002 - 12:43 am: |
You HAVE to check this one out if you haven't seen it before!
The Bastard Operator from Hell - The '95 Vintage
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard_1995.html
-gak
| By The light bringer (Sceadeau) on Wednesday, January 09, 2002 - 03:05 pm: |
Heh, i sent that to GAK yesterday, it's great. To get a full look at all of them, go here:
http://bofh.ntk.net/Bastard.html
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Friday, October 18, 2002 - 10:39 am: |
The Hackers Prayer
Our Father, who 0wnz heaven j00 r0ck!
May all Our base someday be belong to you!
May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wnz heaven.
Give us this day our daily warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if u could keep the f3i off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3n ever and ever,
4m3n.
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 11:15 am: |
This is for Greyfox and all others who have had jobs that involve actual customer interaction
with "End Users" on the phone:
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 03:55 pm: |
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If . . .
. . . you use your lightsaber to cut the bottlecap off a beer.
. . . you say "these are not the beers you are looking for."
. . . that "disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans.
. . . the inside of your house looks more like Dagobah than the outside.
. . . you call your young apprentice, "Juner.(JR.)"
. . . you have ever used telekinesis to pull your jeans up.
. . . the Force isn't the only thing that runs in your family.
. . . you call Hank Williams Jr. "master".
. . . your landspeeder has a gun rack.
. . . you meditate to old CCR records.
. . . you call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.
. . . you have ever said, "Anger...Fear...Aggression...Yankees...the dark side are they."
. . . your X-Wing has a still in it.
. . . your lightsaber has a beer can crusher in the base.
. . . there is more oil in your robes than in your astromech droid.
. . . your robes have the Golden Flour label on them.
. . . you trim your beard and find a Mylock.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to light the barbecue grill.
. . . you use Jawas for a drink holders.
. . . you fight with a lightsaber in one hand and a spit cup in the other.
. . . you use a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck.
. . . you use your Jedi healing powers to clear up your V.D.
. . . you think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
. . . you ever lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
. . . your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.
. . . at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
. . . you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
. . . you can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
. . . you think Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
. . . you have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing / bowling.
. . . your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
. . . you have ever had your R2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light.
. . . you jump-start your lightsaber off a car battery.
. . . you beat the Gammorean Guard in an "ugly" contest.
. . . your father's name is Garth Vader.
. . . you got your lightsaber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.
. . . you have ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin' at your sister.
. . . you constantly mistake R2 units for beer kegs.
. . . you count B.O. as a Jedi power.
. . . you have ever used a lightsaber to skin a deer.
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 03:58 pm: |
10 Ways to tell if a Redneck has been working on a Computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive).
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, November 18, 2004 - 01:36 pm: |