http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2004/03/captions20040323.html


Look at the picture. Read offered captions. They do this regularly

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, March 24, 2004 - 09:14 pm:

"Look Sir, Potato Salad!"

LOL

By Vengence is Mine (Knight_Hawk) on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 01:31 pm:

COOOL

I took the tests

first one I was emporer palpatine

and then Austin Powers

and yes I did answer truthfully

By Vengence is Mine (Knight_Hawk) on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 01:36 pm:

so what does that say about me I wonder HMMMM.

By I, (Ranger) on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 01:55 pm:

How about this one?http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2004/03/captions20040309.html

By Vengence is Mine (Knight_Hawk) on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 01:59 pm:

that was funny I particularlt liked

lost his girlfriend master obi-wan has, how embarrassing, how embaressing

and My big fat green wedding

By I, (Ranger) on Friday, April 02, 2004 - 04:40 pm:

I'm just glad I wasn't drinking a soda when I read the first one for this one...

http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2003/05/captions20030506.html

By Vengence is Mine (Knight_Hawk) on Tuesday, April 06, 2004 - 01:23 pm:

I dunno I think the first 2 were funnier.

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, April 06, 2004 - 11:12 pm:

Still, the Do-wop thing was hilarious.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, July 07, 2004 - 12:09 pm:

this is a spacer

this is a spacer

this is a spacer

this is a spacer

By I, (Ranger) on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 01:44 pm:

http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2004/07/captions20040706.html

Plus you can enter your own caption for this weeks photo:
http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/input.html

I think I'll refrain from comment on the above post. Anything I say will just get me in trouble.

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Friday, July 09, 2004 - 06:00 pm:

I submitted mine last night it was something like this:

"After a few drinks and bringing down the cantina with a moving performance of "Kum Ba Ya", it was discovered that Boba Fett was a bass."

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Monday, July 12, 2004 - 04:30 pm:

I submitted a caption for the piano picture:

"Having failed several assassination attempts, Jango Fett resorted to a failsafe means of luring Amidala to him; a rousing piano sing-along."

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 - 07:06 pm:

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 09:16 am:

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!! Love them Darwin Awards

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 12:12 pm:

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 12:14 pm:

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 01:30 pm:

"Due to the depretion Doris reneged on her birth and release program."

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, July 14, 2004 - 03:31 pm:

By I, (Ranger) on Thursday, July 15, 2004 - 09:46 am:

Clean the pots. Clean the pots. I'll show you clean pots. Got my OWN water supply.

By I, (Ranger) on Wednesday, August 11, 2004 - 12:08 pm:

And the winners are:

http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2004/07/captions20040713.html

By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, November 04, 2004 - 04:21 pm:

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning,” the policeman says. “You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“I’ll tell my husband as soon as I get home,” the Amish woman replies.
“Also,” continues the officer, “one of your reins is looped around the horse’s balls. That’s animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that too!”
So the lady goes home and tells her husband about her encounter. “Well, dear, what exactly did the officer say?” the Amish man asks.
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure . . . something about the emergency break."

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Friday, November 05, 2004 - 03:54 pm:

Why does this strangely remind me of the "State Trooper's Ball" story that Eric told me?

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 12:19 pm:

A fireman is at the station, washing and polishing the fire engine, when a little boy came rolling down the sidewalk in his red wagon, wearing his little firehat, being pulled by a dog and a cat. The boy had a string he was using to guide the dog, and it was wrapped tightly around the cat's testicles. Seeing this, the fireman approached the boy.

"That's a nice rig, son. Where do you keep the hose?" The little boy pointed behind him in the wagon to a neatly coiled garden hose. Nodding his approval, the fireman pointed to the dog and cat. "You got a good team there, but if I might make a suggestion?" The boy nodded. "Well, I'd unwrap your poor kitty's testicles from that string, he might pull harder then."

The little boy looked at the fireman and shook his head, responding, "Are you kidding? It isn't a fire truck without the SIREN."

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, November 10, 2004 - 06:24 pm:

Taliban olympics!!!

By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, November 11, 2004 - 03:35 pm:

Hehe.. naughty!

By Technomage (Houdini) on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 08:27 am:

URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE STATE DEPARTMENT

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide
for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or
intended.


General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe, and is for all intensive purposes ••••••• useless. It is an
important member of the world community, although not nearly as important
as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.France is
a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney.
Among its contributions to Western civilization are champagne, Camembert
cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although France likes to think of
itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next
to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for
American visitors is that the people willfully persist in speaking French,
although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.


The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke
a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed and have no
concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are generally
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are
their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists and topless
sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they
kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travelers are advised
to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier
mutual recognition. All French women have little tits, and don't shave
their armpits.


Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of
Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock
market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A
tunnel connection France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been
opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee
to London.


History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now
an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by
just about every other country in the world.


Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held
more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative
purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts,
municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific
and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current
State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.


Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to
see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing,
of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening
with a French family.)


Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a
slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent
although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at
McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or
Holiday Inn. bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but
a poor excuse for such.


Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at
all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on
strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's
principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear
weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber weaponry,
grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
armaments and cheese.


Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people didn't inhabit it, and it werent still radioactive from all the
nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it
is not Germany. Remember that no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally
we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the
same. Thank you and good luck.

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 08:34 am:

LOL! It's so easy to pick on the French, isn't it?

By GCM2235 (Norm) on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 04:05 pm:

Well, you could pick on the Germans but the last time people did that they responded with World War II.

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 - 05:17 pm:

At least the Germans had balls. I saw a poster somewhere that said "French People Hate War" in the colors of their flag. Sure they hate war, it's why they surrender so fast

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 12:32 pm:

And how can you like a nation of people responcible for millions of frogs forced to walk on crutches?

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 01:34 pm:

You forgot to mention mass genocide of poor, cute, defenseless snails.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, November 17, 2004 - 04:59 pm:

yeah, and if it weren't for us, France would be Germany...

Think about it.

By I, (Ranger) on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 11:59 am:

You know you're Italian when...

You still wear see-through dress socks and pointy patent leather dress shoes to weddings.

It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face.

A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.

Every single tape in your car has the dance version of MARINA, MARINA.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

Your father lives in a subdivision and still raises is own chickens and rabbits.

30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone.

You eat Nutella with a spoon from the jar.

You make up your own Italian-American language. For example: Carro (Car) Basamento (basement) Storo (store) Beaga (bag) Washamashina (Washing machine)

Your kids have been hit with at least 4 of the following objects: Wooden spoon, broom handle, shoe, belt, dish, and any food item.

You can always go to Nonno and Nonna to curse out your parents and so you feel better.

You have caught a beating in public.

You dread kissing everyone at family gatherings.

You're 6 ft. 4, can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges, and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives.

You consider dunking a pack of "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.

You've celebrated Christmas Eve every year of your life in someone's basement.

You have an assortment of shovels in the garage/shed and duplicates of many of them.

You or one of your relatives owns a German Shepherd named "Lupo".

You bring your smallest espresso maker with you when you go camping.

Your mother yells at you for going camping but still washes all your stinky, smoky clothes when you get back.

You have an uncle who got hurt on the job (he used a "shabbola" Italese for "shovel") and is on "Compenstation".

You have an accordion somewhere in your house.

Your know how to install interlock and new sod...and so does your sister.

You didn't have Kraft Dinner until you ate it at someone else's house, you were 13, and wouldn't admit you liked it.

Your garage is filled with building materials left over from the construction of your home and collected by your dad since you were a child.

Where as other kids ate cereal or cookies after school, your grandmother served you "pane e sugo".

You have at least one relative who wore black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich".

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

You eat pasta for dinner at least two times a week, and every Sunday.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

All of your uncles fought in a World War.

You have at least six male relatives named Tony, Frankie or Louie.

You have relatives who aren't really your relatives.

You drank wine before you were a teenager.

You relate on some level, admit it, to the Godfather and the Sopranos.

Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. Wait..... You were sitting on plastic.

You thought that talking loud was normal.

You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.

Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.

Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.

You know what lemon ice is.

You have at least one irrational fear or phobia which can be attributed to your mother.

Contrary to medical literature, you still believe that eating 2 plates of pasta, 3 fried veal cutlets, 2 sausages and a half bottle of wine makes for a healthy dinner.

You can rebuild a motor and frame a house, but couldn't operate a washing machine if your life depended on it.

Through years of getting yelled at by your mother, you know more saint names than the Pope.

By I, (Ranger) on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 12:02 pm:

http://www.starwars.com/community/captions/2003/07/captions20030722.html

By GCM2235 (Norm) on Friday, November 26, 2004 - 09:56 pm:

Hey, I only admit to four of those things on the list. But then, I'm half Sicilian, not Italian.

By I, (Ranger) on Saturday, December 11, 2004 - 01:26 pm:

The Twelve Runs of Christmas
By Dan and Rat

For the first run of Christmas, my fixer got for me An Ares Crusader MP.

For the second run of Christmas, my fixer got for me,
Two stun batons and
An Ares Crusader MP.


For the third run of Christmas, my fixer got for me,
Three flash packs,
Two stun batons and
An Ares Crusader MP.


For the fourth run of Christmas, my fixer got for me,
Four smartgun links,
Three flash packs,
Two stun batons and
An Ares Crusader MP.


For the fifth run of Christmas, my fixer got for me,
Five Panther shells!
Four smartgun links,
Three flash packs,
Two stun batons and
An Ares Crusader MP.


[ >>> Enough already! We get the idea... 1.5 Kp deleted by Sysop. <<< ]

For the twelfth run of Christmas, my fixer got for me,
Twelve riggers rigging,
Eleven snipers sniping,
Ten deckers decking,
Nine snitches snitching,
Eight drones a-droning,
Seven fences fencing,
Six Mr. Johnsons,
Five Panther shells!
Four smartgun links,
Three flash packs,
Two stun batons and
An Ares Crusader MP.

By Technomage (Houdini) on Friday, December 24, 2004 - 10:37 am:

Yeah!

By Technomage (Houdini) on Friday, December 24, 2004 - 10:39 am:

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 10:01 am:

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

----------------------------------------
(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
----------------------------------------
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
----------------------------------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
----------------------------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
----------------------------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
----------------------------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
----------------------------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
----------------------------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
----------------------------------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
----------------------------------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
----------------------------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
----------------------------------------
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
----------------------------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
----------------------------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
----------------------------------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Thursday, January 06, 2005 - 10:01 am:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why!"

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19." My mother taught me ESP."
"Put your sweater on; I know when you're cold!"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Friday, January 07, 2005 - 09:55 am:

LOL the Quantas thing was funny.

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Thursday, January 20, 2005 - 11:20 am:

Check it out it's Darth Tater

http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/fun.games/01/19/tater.doll.ap/index.html

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, February 02, 2005 - 08:03 am:

A Lost Hope

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, February 08, 2005 - 11:53 pm:

well... I don't wanna seem like a poopee head or anything, but that really wasn't all that funny...

OK, maybe the Padme peeing on R2 and Obiwan swiggin from his flask scene. But that's it. Actually, the rest of it was really cheesy, and I think poorly done. Then again, I am a perfectionist, so many fan films fall short of my expectations... I liked Troops though, but then that was clever, well-filmed, and funny. All the things this movie was not. Oh well. PEACE!

By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 08:31 am:

It was supposed to be a satire, people poking fun at star wars- so it was supposed to be cheezy. I liked the Yoda puppet taking a swig from that tall can of beer. "Listen, YOU did not. Now SCREWED we all are!"

I liked troops, but I liked this one too because it points out the whiny nature of Anakin in the last movie, and yes Padme peeing on the EPT 2000 was funny.

By I, (Ranger) on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 01:16 pm:

I got nothing but sound. Bad computer.

By Who is the (Knight_Hawk) on Wednesday, February 09, 2005 - 01:45 pm:

I saw this when it was posted on the SWG forums and laughed. I really enjoyed the Yoda bit as well. Me I've seen many many fan films and yes not every one can have a budget of a few million but I think a lot of them do a great job with what they have.

By I, (Ranger) on Thursday, June 02, 2005 - 04:22 pm:

Imperial Rhapsody
Sung to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody

LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stormtroopers start headbanging)

LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,to meeeeeeee.


-- Jason Guyette

By I, (Ranger) on Wednesday, June 08, 2005 - 12:57 pm:

Job Posting


Position Available Immediately: Apprentice Sith Lord, Dark Side Consulting Group.

An unexpected position has opened up in the Dark Side Consulting Group for an Apprentice Sith Lord. The ideal candidate for this position would like galactic travel and possess a complete understanding of, and competence with the Force, or demonstrate a willingness to learn. Duties include: Performing competitive intelligence, hands-on intervention in support of the Sith Master's planning initiatives, ability to travel the galaxy widely, and operating a variety of laser-powered hand weapons and high-powered space/air vehicles. Some slaying of enemies of the Dark Side is also required, which may be performed using the Force or hand weapons. Qualified applicants would possess good communications skills (especially when speaking in menacing whispers), and would be action-oriented individuals and risk takers. A background in study of the Force (light side or dark) is desirable, as would typically be acquired by those with advanced degrees or significant course work in Jedi Arts from the University of Coruscant.

Applicants should also be familiar with holographic projection equipment, possess a valid galactic pilot's license (for all classes of ships), and must show a willingness to give in to their hate. A proven track record of using fear and/or Jedi mind tricks to control others is also desirable, as is the ability to speak several galactic languages. Ideal candidates for this position would also have no children or other living relatives who are strong in the ways of the Force. (A new hire would be given several weeks to meet this requirement.)

Compensation for this position is commensurate with experience, and is extremely competitive for this field. Benefits include a generous severance package, a company starship, and a dark-colored clothing allowance. The Apprentice Sith Lord reports to and works closely with the Sith Master, and experience in such small, team-based organizations is vital to the success of the master's plans. Discretion is also highly valued, as is the ability to see the future before it happens. Applications will be accepted until the end of July.

*****************************************************

Dark Side CG (tm) is a small and highly-focused organization, founded a long time ago in a galaxy far away. Our core values reflect the short-term advantages of harnessing hatred for institutional power and the long-term desirability of controlling the galaxy. We provide direction to our partner organizations through knowledge management, incident control and our rapid on-site intervention expertise. Our partnered organizations include the Imperial Senate, the Hutt Gambling Collective of Tattooine, and many large software companies. Dark Side CG (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft.

By Technomage (Houdini) on Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 09:20 am:

I loved those last two posts!
Laughed like a drain I did, yes.

-Bryan

By Technomage (Houdini) on Tuesday, July 26, 2005 - 09:21 am:

L'Alert de Terreur


In response to the recent bombings in London the following has just come
through from Paris ....

'The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday
that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively disabling their military.'

By I, (Ranger) on Wednesday, October 26, 2005 - 01:28 pm:

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

By I, (Ranger) on Thursday, February 08, 2007 - 01:47 pm:

A New Sith, or Revenge of the Hope
Reconsidering Star Wars IV in the light of I-III
(by Keith Martin)


If we accept all the Star Wars films as the same canon, then a lot that happens in the original films has to be reinterpreted in the light of the prequels. As we now know, the rebel Alliance was founded by Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Bail Organa. What can readily be deduced is that their first recruit, who soon became their top field agent, was R2-D2.

Consider: at the end of RotS, Bail Organan orders 3PO's memory wiped but not R2's. He wouldn't make the distinction casually. Both droids know that Yoda and Obi-Wan are alive and are plotting sedition with the Senator from Alderaan. They know that Amidala survived long enough to have twins and could easily deduce where they went. However, R2 must make an impassioned speech to the effect that he is far more use to them with his mind intact: he has observed Palpatine and Anakin at close quarters for many years, knows much that is useful and is one of the galaxy's top experts at hacking into other people's systems. Also he can lie through his teeth with a straight face. Organa, in immediate need of espionage resources, agrees.

For the next 20 years, as far as 3PO knows, he is the property of Captain Antilles, doing protocol duties on a diplomatic transport. He is vaguely aware of the existence of the princess but doesn't know much about her. Wherever 3PO goes, being as loud and obvious as he always is, his unobtrusive little counterpart goes with him. 3PO is R2's front man. Wherever they land, R2 is passing messages between rebel sympathizers and sizing up governments as potential rebel recruits - both by personal contact and by hacking into their networks. He passes his recommendations on to Organa.

Yoda is out of the picture by this stage, using the Force-infused swamps of Dagobah to hide himself from Vader and the Emperor. Or something. He is meditating on the future and keeping in touch with Obi-Wan via the ghost of Qui-Gon Jin, which as comm systems go has the virtue of being untappable. Obi-Wan, on Tattoine, keeps in touch with Bail Organa and the other Rebel leaders by courier, of which more later.

As Star Wars opens, R2 is rushing the Death Star plans to the Rebellion. R2, not Leia. The plans are always in R2. What Leia puts into him in the early scene is only her own holographic message to Kenobi. Leia's own mission, as she says in the holographic message, is to pick up Obi-Wan and take him to Alderaan - or so she thinks. Actually, her father just wants her to meet Kenobi, which up to this point she never has. There's a reason for that.

Obi-Wan has spent the last 20 years in the Tattoine desert, keeping watch over Luke Skywalker and trying to decide on one of the three available options:
A) If Luke shows no significant access to the Force, then leave him alone in obscurity
B) If Luke shows real Force ability, then consider recruiting him as a Jedi. The rebellion needs Jedi. Now.
But, if Luke shows any signs of turning out like his father, then C) sneak into his house one fine night and chop his head off. With great regret but it'll save a lot of trouble later on.
Knowing this to be the case, Bail Organa (perhaps at the insistence of his wife) has found excuses not to send Leia to Ben for assessment of Jedi potential, largely for fear of option C.

To be fair to all concerned, Leia has shown no overt signs of a link to the Force. Luke on the other hand has. In his home-built hotrod aircraft, with no formal fighter pilot training and no decent instrumentation, Luke can regularly score centre-hits on 2-metre targets in complicated zero-altitude maneuvers. Until he attends the briefing on Yavin, Luke has no way of knowing that hardened combat pilots would consider that nearly impossible. To him it's easy. Obi-Wan, who saw Anakin's performance in the Pod Race, is nervous.

Much of Obi-Wan's behavior in this film, and Yoda's in the next, can best be understood if they are frankly scared to death of what Luke might become. (Ben is also scared that he himself will make all the same mistakes he made with Anakin.)

Now, with the existence of the rebellion at stake, Bail Organa has finally told Leia to go see Obi-Wan and has sent her along with R2. The original plan would then be for Obi-Wan (with optional Luke and/or Leia in tow) to leave his exile and take the Death Star plans to Yavin, where they can be put to use. R2 (with Leia if Ben doesn't want to take her) would then carry on to Alderaan to maintain the cover story. The original plan does not survive contact with a large Imperial Star Destroyer.

R2 and 3PO bail out in an escape pod, landing in vaguely the right area of Tattoine, where R2's first priority is transport. He arranges to be captured by a group of Jawas and, once on board their transport, he makes a deal with them (possibly using emergency funds stored about his person) to take him where he wants to go. The Jawas refuse to go directly to Kenobi for fear of marauding Sandpeople but they agree to R2's second request : transport to the Skywalker farm. They even get to keep the purchase price if they can sell R2 and 3PO there. The Jawas shake on it and go through with the plan.

Seeing 3PO fail to recognize the farm where he worked for 10 years gives R2 a moment's amusement but, as soon as possible, he gets away and heads for Kenobi. Luke and 3PO follow, which may or may not have been part of the plan.

On first seeing R2, Obi-Wan has a twinkle in his eye and calls him "my little friend". Well, he is. However, when Luke wakes up and says that R2 claimed to be owned by an Obi-Wan Kenobi, he blandly says "I don't seem to remember ever owning a droid." Ben has in fact owned several but the remark is aimed at R2 and translates as "You keep quiet. I'm not about to tell him everything just yet." Obi-Wan thinks fast and tells Luke a version of his past that does not involve a father who became a dark lord of the Sith. He wants to examine Luke a lot more closely before before he risks telling him the real truth.

Although the Death Star plans need to get to Yavin as soon as possible, Obi-Wan needs to make one more diversion first. If the Empire knows that Leia is a Rebel leader, then they also know about her father and the whole Organa family may need immediate evacuation. Fortunately, before coming to Tattoine, R2 had already arranged transport, which is waiting at Mos Eisley, under the command of the Rebellion's other chief field agent and espionage asset. Chewbacca.

20 years earlier, Chewbacca was second in command of the defense of his planet. He's there in the tactical conferences and there on the front lines and is a personal friend of Yoda's. When he needed reliable people to join the embryonic Alliance, who else would Yoda turn to but his old friend from Kashykk? Given his background, there is no way that Chewie would spend the crucial years of the rebellion as the second-in-command to (sorry Han) a low-level smuggler. Unless it's his cover. In fact, Chewie is a top-line spy and flies what is in many ways the Rebellion's best ship.

The Millenium Falcon may look like a beat-up old freighter but it can outrun any Imperial ship in normal space or hyperspace, hang in a firefight with a Star Destroyer or outmaneouvre a dozen top-of-the-line TIE fighters. It's a remarkable feat of engineering and must have cost a colossal fortune to build. How does Han come to own a ship like that? He only thinks he does, actually it's Chewie's. Half-way through RotS, we see the Falcon landing at the Senate building on Coruscant. If it's the same ship (which of course it is) then it was the personal transport of one of the senatorial delegations - a much more likely source to commission its design. That delegation must have later joined the Rebellion and given it the use of the Falcon. In fact, if the delegation is the one from Kashykk, then the ship may have belonged to Chewbacca as early as RotS.

Han is Chewie's front man. It's much better, and safer for him, if he doesn't know what's really going on. Chewie used to work with Lando Calrissian in a similar way but Lando wanted to settle down, so Chewie arranged for him to lose the Falcon in a card game to Han Solo, an even better choice as partner. Han and Chewie's working method is pretty much what we see in the cantina scene: Chewie make the contacts and sets up the deals, then turns them over to Han who haggles over the price and gives the final yea or nay. This lets Chewie wander the seamy underside of the galaxy pretty much at will, making contacts, gathering and passing information with no-one was the wiser, especially not Han.

Chewie persuaded Han to do business with Jabba the Hutt so he could make regular runs to Tattoine, where Chewie could pass messages between Kenobi and Organa. When R2's urgent message came through only days before, the only way for Chewie to get back to Tattoine in time was to make the "mistake" that forced Han to dump his cargo to avoid capture. As a down side, this led to Solo's getting a death mark out on him from Jabba the Hutt. Chewie was a bit upset about the need for that but figured they weren't going to be dealing with Tattoine for much longer.

En route to Alderaan, R2 and Chewie play stop-motion chess. This is the latest in a series of games they've played over the year in the back rooms of space stations and cantinas across the galaxy, but this is the first time they've done it in front of their respective straight men, so they put on a big show.

Then it all goes wrong again. Alderaan is gone and the Falcon is caught and brought aboard the Death Star. Only Han, Luke and 3PO don't know just how much trouble they're in but Obi-Wan has a plan and seems confident (but Jedi always do). Soon afterwards, R2 finds Leia in the detention cells and shouts that they have to rescue her, to which Chewie can only agree. If Vader learns he has a daughter, then they're all in deep trouble, so Chewie does his bit to persuade Han to go along with Luke's plan.

Then, on the verge of escape, Vader himself turns up only yards from both of his children, one of whom is leaking Force all over the place. Obi-Wan stages a distraction by letting himself die and go into the Force while the others escape. At this point, Chewie suddenly realizes that he's been left in charge, not only of the Death Star Plans and the survival of the Rebellion but of the secret son and daughter of Darth Vader. With the Organas and Kenobi all dead, only Chewie, R2 and Yoda know who Luke and Leia are. And only Obi-Wan knew where Yoda has been hiding. Chewie is stressed out by the responsibility and R2 (who keeps making crude jokes about the whole affair) is being no help at all.

Chewie's first problem is what is happening between Luke and Leia. With a psychic link they can feel but don't understand, thrown together in a life-or-death escape, they are looking at each other with a sparky intensity that Chewie gradually recognises as Romantic Tension. He's no expert on human relationships but Chewie is fairly sure that that's Wrong, so he does the only thing he can under the circumstances - he throws Han at her. Han is at first not interested but after a while starts to warm to the idea with an intensity that gives Chewie new worries.

When they reach Yavin, Han decides to take the money and run and Chewie decides to go with him. Looked at in cold light, it's for the good of the Rebellion. Even if Yavin is destroyed, there'll be one agent who knows what's going on who can try and put something back together, but he doesn't feel good about it. When Han decides to turn around and join the attack, Chewie is all for it.

Han and Luke get medals but Chewie doesn't. Actually, Leia offers him one but Chewie turns it down. He got one of those things from Yoda about 20 years ago, but there's no way he can tell her that.

As the film ends, the three founders of the Rebellion are all gone. Bail Organa is dead, Yoda is out of contact and Obi-Wan's ghost can only talk to other Jedi. (So that would be Yoda then.) Thus, the field leadership of the rebellion has just been turned over to the daughter of Darth Vader. Chewie is really hoping that someone with an official rank greater than hers will get here real soon before he has to think really seriously about option C.

© Keith Martin 2005