I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, then a frontal lobotomy.
| By Margravine (Ranger) on Unrecorded Date: |
Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at the same
time:
The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet,8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons
which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's
the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had
to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you
may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Thus,we have the answer to the original question.
Now the twist to the story..............
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad,
there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by
Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be
shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is
slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago
by the width of a horse's ass!
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date: |
Long live Rome? ;>
| By Vengence is Mine (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date: |
Subject: Bet you didn't know these
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames
by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase,
"goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that
for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a
honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as
the honeymoon."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's
where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
Into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed
refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your
whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen
Only Ladies Forbidden....and thus the word GOLF entered into the
English language.
| By Vengence is Mine (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date: |
See if you can do this . Read each line aloud - Dr. Seuss' lost tongue >twister:
>
>This is this cat
>This is is cat
>This is how cat
>This is to cat
>This is keep cat
>This is a cat
>This is dumbass cat
>This is busy cat
>This is for cat
>This is forty cat
>This is seconds cat
>
>Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.....
| By Subcriminal (Nat) on Unrecorded Date: |
Okay, for all of you who like (or in my case, HATE) music by Philip Glass you might appreciate this joke. I gotta warn ya it's stupid.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Philip Glass
Philip Glass who?
Knock Knock!
| By Subcriminal (Nat) on Unrecorded Date: |
my cousin told me about an email he got titled "how did kids get so damn smart?"
It explained a story about a mother and child waiting on line in a bank.
The child starts to misbehave and the mother scolds him to behave or else he'll get a spanking. The child replies at the TOP of his lungs in front of everyone waiting on line "Oh yeah? Well, if you spank me I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee!!!" The mother picks up the child and walks out of the bank calmly, after which everyone in the bank breaks out laughing.
| By Funk Sol Brother (Sol) on Unrecorded Date: |
HA HAHA HA HA HA!
It's NAUGHTY, but I know what I like!
Sol
| By Vengence is Mine (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date: |
A friend of mine sent me this.
movie cliff notes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Matrix
Directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski
1999
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Keanu Reeves
Hey everybody, look! Look at me! I'm in a movie that doesn't suck!
Audience
GASP!
Keanu Reeves
Yes, it's true! Not only that, despite my total lack of acting ability,
I very nearly didn't suck in this movie!
Audience
(faints)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top Gun
Directed by Tony Scott
1986
Ultra-Condensed by Rob Irwin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(There are LOTS of JETS.)
Tom Cruise
I am handsome and cool.
Val Kilmer
No, I am handsome and cool.
(They get all moody with each other.)
Tom Cruise
I almost got you killed, so now we're friends.
Val Kilmer
Yes. I like you.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reservoir Dogs
Directed by Quentin Tarantino
1992
Ultra-Condensed by Ryan Camp
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Michael Madsen
Who's the rat? (shoots a cop)
Harvey Keitel
I didn't do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney)
Tim Roth
Don't look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen)
(Everybody else shoots each other.)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mortal Kombat
Directed by Paul Anderson
1995
Ultra-Condensed by Thomas Deeny
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shang Tsung
Back, Back, Forward, Forward + High Punch
Liu Kang
Down, Forward, Back, Back + High Kick
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hey they do books too
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dune
By Frank Herbert
Ultra-Condensed by Christina Carlson
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Herbert
I'm lots smarter than you are. I challenge you to understand even one
of my paragraphs!
Reader
Gee, Frank Herbert is smart. I can't even find the plot.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dune Messiah
By Frank Herbert
Ultra-Condensed by Daniel Saults
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone
We're absurdly over-intelligent with identical personalities.
(The Conspirators do some mysterious conspiracy stuff.)
Muad'Dib
Now that I have two children which need my support and care, I'll
wander off into the desert and die for no particular reason.
Everyone
Wahh.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Children of Dune
By Frank Herbert
Ultra-Condensed by Jaime Green
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(People do stuff that is OUT OF CHARACTER. People do stuff that makes
NO SENSE. Cool arabic-type words and names are said, making Frank
Herbert look SMART and COOL.)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
God Emperor of Dune
By Frank Herbert
Ultra-Condensed by Ryan Austin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leto II
Infinity.
Reader
Ouch, my head just exploded.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Hobbit
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bilbo Baggins
Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.
Balin
We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.
Dwalin
I'm the happy one.
Fili
I'm the young one.
Kili
I'm the other young one.
Dori
I'm the funny one.
Nori
I'm the joyous one.
Ori
I'm the cute one.
Oin
I'm the jolly one.
Gloin
I'm the silly one.
Bifur
I'm the one with the funniest name.
Bofur
I'm the one with the looniest name.
Bombur
I'm the fat one.
Thorin
I'm the one with a distinct personality.
Gandalf
Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.
(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because
they almost get EATEN.)
Bilbo Baggins
What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum
I don't know.
(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost
get EATEN.)
Smaug
I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.
(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the
dragon, and it makes a MESS.)
Bilbo Baggins
I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fellowship of the Ring
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gandalf
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we'll try to
destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.
Bilbo Baggins
It's not evil. It's mine. My precious. Mine! MINE, I TELL YOU!!
MOOHOOHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Frodo takes it to RIVENDELL. Some FRIENDS come with him. They are
attacked by black riders a LOT, and it is SCARY.)
Elrond
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be
destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the
Ring to where he lives.
(They do some travelling. Some more FRIENDS come with him. Gandalf DIES
in the mines of Moria, but will later be RESURRECTED in GLORIFIED form
having triumphed over EVIL, an obvious literary ALLUSION to that movie
where the guy comes back as a DOG.)
Boromir
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.
Frodo
No.
Boromir
What have I done? (dies)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Two Towers
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Gandalf frees THEODEN and overthrows SARUMAN. A bunch of IRRELEVANT
stuff happens. Then the PLOT starts up again.)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Return of the King
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker and Samuel Stoddard
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aragorn
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.
Eowyn
You'll die.
(They don't.)
Gandalf
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don't.)
Gandalf
We must attack Mordor. We'll all be killed.
(They aren't.)
Gollum
Mmmm, yummy finger! (dies)
Frodo
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.
Sam
Buck up, Master Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered DEUS EX MACHINAS come out of NOWHERE and save
EVERYBODY.)
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
| By Jeff Montgomery (Jeff) on Friday, June 01, 2001 - 11:10 am: |
This is sorta a test message...
What's the easiest way to keep nerds in suspense?
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Friday, June 01, 2001 - 04:02 pm: |
ha, ha, Jeff.
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Friday, June 01, 2001 - 06:07 pm: |
yeah.. ha ha
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, then a frontal lobotomy.
| By Funk Sol Brother (Sol) on Tuesday, June 05, 2001 - 04:13 pm: |
Jeff,
I think I know the answer, I won't say anything.
This is a setup, isn't it?
Sol
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 09:46 am: |
| By Subcriminal (Nat) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 11:42 am: |
*LOL*
| By The CheeseWizzard (Sol) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 03:23 pm: |
That's SWEET! I sent it to a whole lot of people!
Sol
| By The CheeseWizzard (Sol) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 03:29 pm: |
That's SWEET! I sent it to a whole lot of people!
Sol
| By The CheeseWizzard (Sol) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 03:30 pm: |
I dunno, now I kinda want to make THIS my wallpaper! Out of respect, though, I shall wait a full month b4 the changeover!
;)
Sol
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, July 12, 2001 - 03:40 pm: |
Hey, get your hands off of my Heiney baby! :>
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Monday, August 27, 2001 - 02:55 pm: |
Random One-Liners
...The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.
...I live in my own little world, but it's ok, everyone knows me here.
...I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
said, "Thyroid problem?"
...I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
...Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
...Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
...I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
...If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
...I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
...The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
...There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
...If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.
...I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
...Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
...I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
...I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!
...Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
...Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a...salted.
...No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
...Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
...Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.
...How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for
Miss America?
...Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not
feeling well?
...How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.
...Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
...Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
...The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in
this world.
...Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
...Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Monday, September 17, 2001 - 11:36 am: |
Not wasting any time in moving forward, new plans are being drawn up for a
bigger, better WTC. The designers felt it was important make a "statement"
to the terrorists.
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Monday, September 17, 2001 - 11:39 am: |
A special message from Uncle Sam....
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, November 20, 2001 - 11:10 am: |
NEWS FLASH:
News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces.
In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra, and the little prick just popped right up...
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, November 20, 2001 - 01:35 pm: |
Dude! Where did ya hear that? Or is it so recent all the news websites don't have that info up?
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, November 20, 2001 - 02:45 pm: |
Ummm... Perhaps there is a REASON why I posted this in the JOKE SECTION, Nat. There MUST be a reason. Can't figure it out though... Wait a minute... Maybe, the reason I posted it in here is because, ummm... IT'S ONLY A JOKE?!?!?!?!? Wow.
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, November 20, 2001 - 02:52 pm: |
Oh, oops. I didn't notice that this was in the joke section. I thought you were being sarcastic. My bad.
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 10:25 am: |
Santa had one of those days...
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the tree.
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Wednesday, December 05, 2001 - 04:36 pm: |
this joke is a repeat of one posted right here in the humor topic a long time ago. look in the second archive, at the third post, and you'll see it there. In fact, I'm the one who posted it...
That doesn't make it any less funny, though. L8R!
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Monday, January 21, 2002 - 04:26 pm: |
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, so all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
Soon the first guy and the second guy meet in heaven. The first guys asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
| By Yo' Daddy (Sol) on Tuesday, January 22, 2002 - 08:42 am: |
The worst part of that joke was that I thought I was reading the Legend of VAXLandia!
Sol
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Monday, March 04, 2002 - 08:55 am: |
Almost 150 years. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the
beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of
multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc. Now comes
the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see
them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with
their initials in large white letters across their backs:
"FATASS."
I feel safer already.
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Tuesday, March 19, 2002 - 09:06 am: |
A Fairy Tale
_____________
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat,
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper young prince that I am.
And then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle,
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f**ing think so.
| By Yo' Daddy (Sol) on Thursday, April 25, 2002 - 05:07 pm: |
Astronomy Question:
What's beneath Orion's belt?
Answer posted tomorrow
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Friday, April 26, 2002 - 11:37 am: |
Orion's shoes?
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Friday, April 26, 2002 - 12:36 pm: |
Cassieopeia's Lipstick?
| By Yo' Daddy (Sol) on Monday, April 29, 2002 - 03:09 pm: |
[answer deleted on account of phallic humour]
Sol
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Friday, May 03, 2002 - 09:39 am: |
Oh? Are phalli (plural) humorous? Well okay...
What's the best birth control method in the world?
Point and laugh.
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Friday, May 03, 2002 - 09:44 am: |
Seven truths all cop movies know:
1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2. It's easy for anyone to land a plane assuming there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
3. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
4. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - employed or not.
5. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right continuously.
6. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
7. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 03:06 pm: |
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.
The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the car!"
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Wednesday, September 25, 2002 - 05:01 pm: |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAH!
OMG thats soo funny... I shared that joke with my boss.
Heee!
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Thursday, October 31, 2002 - 01:20 pm: |
Politically Correct Halloween Costumes
The Disenfranchised Externally Domiciled Person (formerly "The Hobo"):
Very similar to the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered-handkerchief-filled-with belongings-on-a-stick. Actually, exactly the same as the classic kids' "Hobo" getup, complete with adorable checkered- handkerchief-filled-with-belonging-on-a-stick. Only you can't say so out loud.
The Wiccan Priestess (formerly "Witch"):
Wiccans are just like any other religion, only they stir up potions in big vats and cackle a lot and say things like "Hoot, hoot — eye of newt!" And they don't mean Gingrich! Just like the old "witch" costume except...well, except they're, um, Wiccan priestesses. Okay?
Frankenstein's Clone (formerly "Frankenstein's Monster"):
Don't call him a "monster"! This bolt-necked, clompy-footed fellow can't help the fact that he was artificially engineered in a laboratory. He's not a stitched together creature of the undead; he's modern science at work. Remember — clones have feelings, too.
Formerly Living Person (formerly "Ghost"):
When your child throws a sheet over his head and exclaims: "Boo! Look at me! I'm a scary ghost!" It is your responsibility to say; "No Billy, you're a life energy who has passed over to the other side with an inexplicable desire to converse on national television with John Edwards."
Corpuscle-aholic (formerly "Vampire"):
We now know that Transylvanians, particularly members of the Transylvanian royal family such as counts, are genetically predisposed to compulsive nocturnal behavioral patterns and (how to put this politely?) "drinking problems." While one cannot condone their anti-social "acting out" (like biting people on the neck and turning into bats), one must learn to understand the underlying causes. Of course, admitting you have a problem (or, admitting that you sleep all day in a coffin wearing a tuxedo) is the first step. If you, or someone you've bitten on the neck, is a Corpuscle-aholic, ask for help. Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life (which, if you are an eternal creature of the undead, could be a really, really long time).
Follicle-ly Over-Stimulated Individuals (formerly "Werewolves"):
Okay, there's no need for anyone to suffer from the symptoms of this rare and humiliating disease anymore. Modern-day methods of electrolysis, depilatory creams, and waxes and, of course, extensive therapy and prescription anti-depressants can help turn your half man/half animal into a socially acceptable gentleman. That is, if one accepts the conventional stereotypes of patriarchal male behavioral patterns.
Non-Human Family Members (formerly "Pets"):
A Black Cat? A Playful Puppydog? A Funny Monkey?
Funny to whom? Exploiting these animals as "Halloween costumes" merely advocates other forms of animal "testing" and "forced domesticity." This year, when your three year old insists on dressing as a "kitty cat" for Halloween, remind him and/or her that she and/or he is not just "dressing up" as an "animal" but, rather, is representing a "different," but "equal" member of the "society of creatures," with all the "rights" and "entitlements" inherent in their "status" as "leg-enhanced" "entities." He and/or she will thank you for it.
Have a safe, happy, and socially aware Halloween.
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Saturday, January 18, 2003 - 02:02 pm: |
Try these:
http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/personality/index.htm
http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/powers/index.htm
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, January 21, 2003 - 08:59 am: |
on the first one I ended up being Lando. Does that seem to fit me, you think?
| By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, January 21, 2003 - 09:04 am: |
on the second one I ended up being Austin Powers! YEAH, BABY, GRRRROOOOOOVY!
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Wednesday, January 22, 2003 - 03:20 pm: |
I wound up being Yoda and Mrs Kensington
well at least I'm not a fem-bot
| By Technomage (Houdini) on Friday, February 14, 2003 - 05:06 pm: |
| By Starlit simulacron (Ranger) on Thursday, February 27, 2003 - 04:49 pm: |
Friends,
1. When you are sad,I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue,I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile,I'll know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared,I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried,I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused,I will use little words to explain.
7. When you are sick,stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall,I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath ...I pledge it 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!
Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
| By I, (Ranger) on Wednesday, September 10, 2003 - 02:46 pm: |
Well, dammit, somebody has to start posting in Lev again....
Two fried eggs, some toast, and bacon walked into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hold it, we don't serve breakfast in here!"
| By Ms. Vice (Nat) on Sunday, March 28, 2004 - 05:04 pm: |
More more!!