A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to
each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 166 a few miles ago."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in the cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the
sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass
and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.

When I had everything counted, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks, with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I am an not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I am not half as thunk as you may drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get. Oh me!

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip. But there were problems everywhere. One of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw from which it was made. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

By Smack Daddy (Sherm) on Unrecorded Date:

Three audio guys were in a field. One says "Gee, it's windy!" The second
says "No, it's Thursday." The third says "Me too. let's get a drink."


Hahahaha :)

Sherm

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

It's All About The Pentiums


by Al Yankovic

NOTE: Lyrics in ITALICS are sung by a female vocalist.

Lyrics:

It's all about the Pentiums, baby
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
Uhh, uh-huh, yeah
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums, baby
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Yeah

What y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard?
Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills
Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills
I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM
I never feed trolls and I don't read spam
Installed a T1 line in my house
Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse
Upgrade my system at least twice a day
I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K
I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him "Money" for short
I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support
It's all about the Pentiums, what?
You've gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen
You've got white-out all over your screen
You think your Commodore 64 is really neato
What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito?
You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh
Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half?
You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette
You're the biggest joke on the Internet
Your database is a disaster
You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster
Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar
Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar
And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er
I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller
You're just about as useless as jpegs to Hellen Keller

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)

Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?

Uh, uh, loggin' in now
Wanna run wit my crew, hah?
Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do?
They call me the king of the spreadsheets
Got 'em printed out on my bedsheets
My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks
But it was obsolete before I opened the box
You say you've had your desktop for over a week?
Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique
Your laptop is a month old? Well that's great
If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight
My digital media is write-protected
Every file inspected, no viruses detected
I beta tested every operation system
Gave props to some, and others? I dissed 'em
While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin'
It does all my work without me even askin'
Got a flat-screen monitor forty inches wide wide
I believe that your says "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side
In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user
You've got your own newsgroup, "alt.total-loser"
Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax
Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks?
Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you
If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you
What? What? What? What? What?

It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
It's all about the Pentiums! (It's all about the Pentiums, baby)
Now, what y'all wanna do?
Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers
Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers?
9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard?
What??

By I am (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

Toy Sack

Bob Rivers More Twisted Christmas

Note:Sung to the tune of 'Love Shack' by the B-52's

If you look up in the sky on the night before Christmas
There's a big fat guy with a toy sack
Toy sack yeah yeah

It's sqeezin' down through your fireplace Christmas day
A million Barbie Dolls packed away
Boxed up in a sack on his sleigh

That jingle bell cargo is as big as a whale
They put everything into the toy sack
they shove in a Chrysler, and a TV from Sony
Now hurry up a pack that Shetland pony

The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents
Toy sack baby

This sack's heavy
Toy sack break Santa's back
Call a Chiropractor to crack Santa's back

Luggin' and a tuggin'
Huffin' and a puffin'
Rreachin' in the bag
And there's an easy bake oven

Now back up the chimney
Yeah, it straining Santa's jimmies
The sacks not skinny
But every year he lugs around and around
and around

Reindeer really hoofin', ain't no time for
goofin' baby
Elves linin' up to pack toys for your town
Bag is always movin', somethings in there
poopin' baby
Puppies in the sack
There's puppies in the sack

The toy sack is a magical place where Santa puts the presents
Toy sack baby

Have a what?
Merry Christmas!
Toy sack, Santa's toy sack
Toy sack, Santa's toy sack

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane.  After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks "Is it still a requirement of your faith
that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies "Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The Rabbi then asked him "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky, you fat cow!"

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you witch".

Quite upset, the woman returns, shaking,  with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. He yells,  "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now or I'll have you fired". The next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly,  you're a real smart-aleck!"

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

This is a true story. I'd like to share it with you--you tell me if you think it's funny (I thought it was).

I was at our Christmas party, which had an open bar from 6:00pm until 11:30pm. Needless to say, there were many highly-intoxicated people right around, oh, say, 9:00... One of the guys I work with, was extraordinarily wasted. At the end of the night, I was standing outside on the sidewalk, waiting for a bus, when he comes walking out, putting on a coat. There was myself, another guy Marc, and this guy Steve.

Marc said, "Hey Steve, the coat-room is all messed up. They gave me your coat earlier, so be sure you got yours right." Steve nodded drunkenly, and began to put the coat on.

Now, I need to mention that Steve showed up with a long-coat on. The coat he was trying to squeeze into came to about his waist. As he pushed his arms through the sleeves, I noticed the sleeves came up to about his elbows.

I mentioned, "Hey Steve--I don't think that's your coat, man."

To which Steve drunkenly replied, "Yes it is! This my coat!" and continued trying to make it fit.

As if this wasn't funny enough, this petite, little woman comes out and says, "Excuse me? I think you have my jacket." She is holding Steve's oversized coat over one arm, a look of concern on her face.

Steve insists, "This IS my coat... It fits FINE--Look!" and he flexes his shoulders, causing the sleeves to slide up to about his biceps.

I began laughing. Uncontrollably.

The woman says, "No... That's my coat. This is yours. It has a cell-phone in the left pocket and a wallet with your ID in the right pocket. It has a grey and white scarf stuffed down the right sleeve." She offers the coat to Steve.

Steve looks at her, concentrating, then begins to try and untangle himself from the much-too-small coat he's attempting to wear. "Oh. OH! I'm sorry... Here you go..."

I turned away for a moment to joke with Marc, who was also laughing at the drunken state Steve was in. Steve then came over to us, leaned on our shoulders, and began growling. Then he laughed, then he growled some more. He smelled really bad.

That's when I made a command decision and walked to the subway station, rather than wait for the bus...

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

More actual excerpts from classified ads of various city newspapers:

Dinner Special Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container, and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," hesaid to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county." one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

By The Great (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

And now the Sweedish Chef will tell us a holiday story..

----------------------------------------------

Tves zee neeght beffure-a Chreestmes,
vhee ell thruoogh zee huoose-a
Nut a creetoore-a ves sturreeng,
nut ifee a muoose-a;
Zee stuckeengs vere-a hoong by zee cheemney
veet cere-a,
In hupes thet St. Neechules suun vuoold
be-a zeere-a;

Zee cheeldree vere-a nestled ell snoog in
zeeur beds,
Vheele-a feesiuns ooff soogerplooms dunced in
zeeur heed;

Und Memma in her 'kercheeeff, und I in
my cep,
hed joost settled oooor breeens fur a lung
veenter's nep.
Bork Bork Bork!

Vhee oooot oon zee levn zeere-a eruse-a sooch
a cletter,
I sprung frum zee bed tu see-a vhet ves
zee metter.
Bork Bork Bork!
Evey tu zee veendoo I floo leeke-a a
flesh,
Ture-a oopee zee shootters und throo up
zee sesh.
Bork Bork Bork!

Zee muun oon zee dreest ooff zee noo-
fellee snoo
Gefe-a zee looster ooff meeddey tu oobjects
beloo;
Vhee, vhet tu my vundereeng iyes shuoold
eppeer,
Boot a meenietoore-a sleeegh, und ieeght teeny
reeendeer,

Veet a leettle-a oold dreefer, su leefely
und qooeeck,
I knoo in a mument it moost be-a
St. Neeck.
Bork Bork Bork!

Mure-a repeed thun iegles hees cuoorsers
zeey ceme-a,
Und he-a vheestled, und shuooted, und
celled zeem by neme-a;
"Noo, Desher! Noo Duncer! Noo,
Pruncer und Feexee!
Bork Bork Bork!
Oon, Cumet! Oon Coopeed! Oon, Dunder und
Bleetzee!
Bork Bork Bork!

"Tu zee tup ooff zee purch! Tu zee tup ooff
zee vell!
Bork Bork Bork!
Noo desh evey! Desh evey! Desh evey
ell!"

Es dry leefes thet beffure-a zee veeld
hoorreecune-a fly,
Vhee zeey meet veet un oobstecle-a, muoont
tu zee sky,
Su up tu zee huoosetup zee cuoorsers
zeey floo,
Veet zee sleeegh fooll ooff tuys, und
St. Neechules, tuu.
Bork Bork Bork!

Und zeen in a tveenkling, I heerd oon
zee ruuff
Zee prunceeng und peveeng ooff iech leettle-a
huuff.
Bork Bork Bork!
Es I droo in my heed, und ves toorneeng
eruoond,
Doon zee cheemney St. Neechules ceme-a
veet a buoond.
Bork Bork Bork!

He-a ves dressed ell in foor, frum hees
heed tu hees fuut,
Und hees cluzees vere-a ell terneeshed
veet eshes und suut;
A boondle-a ooff tuys he-a hed floong oon hees
beck,
Und he-a luuked leeke-a a peddler joost
oopeneeng hees peck.
Bork Bork Bork!

Hees iyes - hoo zeey tveenkled! Hees
deemples hoo merry!
Bork Bork Bork!
Hees cheeks vere-a leeke-a ruses, hees
nuse-a leeke-a a cherry!
Bork Bork Bork!
Hees drull leettle-a muoot ves drevn up
leeke-a a boo,
Und zee beerd oon hees cheen ves es vheete-a
es zee snoo;

Zee stoomp ooff a peepe-a he-a held teeght in
hees teet,
Und zee smuke-a it incurcled hees heed
leeke-a a vreet;
He-a hed a brued fece-a und a leettle-a ruoond
belly
Thet shuuk vhee he-a looghed, leeke-a a
boolffool ooff jelly.
Bork Bork Bork!

He-a ves choobby und ploomp, a reeght jully
oold ilff,
Und I looghed vhee I sev heem, in speete-a
ooff myselff;
A veenk ooff hees iye-a und a tveest ooff hees
heed
Suun gefe-a me-a tu knoo I hed
nutheeng tu dreed.
Bork Bork Bork!

He-a spuke-a nut a vurd, boot vent streeeght
tu hees vurk,
Und feelled ell zee stuckeengs; zeen
toorned veet a jerk,
Und leyeeng hees feenger eseede-a ooff hees
nuse-a,
Und geefing a nud, up zee cheemney he-a
ruse-a;

He-a sprung tu hees sleeegh, tu hees teem
gefe-a a vheestle-a,
Und evey zeey ell floo leeke-a zee doon
ooff a theestle-a.
Bork Bork Bork!
Boot I heerd heem ixcleeem, ire-a he-a drufe-a
oooot ooff seeght,

HEPPY CHRISTMES TO ELL END TO ELL A
GOOD NIGHT!
Bork Bork Bork!

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Two men were out hunting ducks. After a long morning, with no success, one says to the other,"We aren't getting any ducks. What do you suppose the problem is?" The other replies, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high enough."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were together, discussing the beginning of the world and who was responsible for it.

The surgeon said, "Eve was created from Adam's rib, a surgical procedure. Therefore, surgery is the founding science."

The engineer replied, "Maybe, but Adam was created from the earth, which was created from chaos, which surely was the work of an engineer."

The politician said "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break. 1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon 0says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and backside are interchangeable."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Fractured Proverbs
* A rolling stone plays the guitar.
* The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
* A bird in the hand is a real mess.
* No news is no newspaper.
* It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
* If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
* Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off until next week.
* A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
* To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
* I think, therefore I get a headache.
* Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
* Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
* There is nothing new under the bed.
* Don't count your chickens - it takes too long.

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

The Pope dies, and goes to Heaven. God greets him, and says, "You may have access to anything here in Heaven, as you have been one of the good popes." "Thank you very much," says the Pope. "I would like to study the Bible in its original language. I want to see how it was originally written." So the Pope spends the next several years studying the original languages of Latin, Hebrew, Aramaic, etc.(Why not spend several years? He had the time.) Finally, the Pope starts reading the Bible. He starts with the modern translations, goes back to the King James version, and continues going back to each preceding translation. Finally one day there is a loud scream heard from the Pope's room. "I knew it!" he yells. "Somebody left out the letter R!" The word was supposed to be 'celebRate'!"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Q. How many computer engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. It takes 389 computer engineers to screw in a lightbulb: One to complain that the problem is due to faulty wiring, not the lightbulb. One to call in a consultant. Eighty seven to debug the work the consultant does. And three hundred more to post notes to computer mailing lists arguing about the basic design flaws of the lightbulb, reminiscing about the good old days when candlelight ruled, and discussing possible technological advances in lightbulb functionality in the future.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

1) Money isn't made out of paper. It's made out of cotton.
2) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickle the company once had.
3) A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
4) Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
5) The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
6) The dot over the letter "I" is called a tittle.
7) A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8) Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
9) A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
10) A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
11) A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
12) 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
13) Every person has a unique eye & tongue print.
14) The "spot" on the 7-Up comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was an albino.
15) 315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
16) During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
17) On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
18) John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
19) Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine are brother and sister.
20) Chocolate kills dogs. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
21) Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
22) Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured, they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.
23) Most lipstick contains fish scales.
24) Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
25) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
26) Dr. Seuss is actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounds like Sue-ice.
27) Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
28) During the California gold rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the extremely high costs in California during these boom years, it was deemed more feasible to send their shirts to Hawaii for servicing.
29) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in First Class.
30) Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
31) The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
32) Upper and lower case letters are named "upper" and "lower" because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the lower case letters.
33) There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
34) There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
35) The numbers "172" can be found on the back of the US 5 dollar bill, in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
36) The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
37) The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
38) There are 4 cars and 11 light posts on the back on the US 10 dollar bill.
39) Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. It also took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
40) If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
41) Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
42) If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes and 4 pennies, you'd have $1.19. You would also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
43) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
44) The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
45) The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
46) The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
47) The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
48) Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
49) By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
50) Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scoody Doo.
51) Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
52) Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
53) In Gulliver's Travels, Jonathan Swift described the two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was discovered.
54) Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
55) Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
56) An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
57) Sharon Stone was the first StarSearch spokes model.
58) The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
59) The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
60) Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
61) Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
62) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing is even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed that Hilary wants to leave him that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family absolutely hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers for that whole Monica thing. So I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:


Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE

By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

Bank Loan

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us , is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The woman replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

By Naughty God (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

These are the Darwin awards. This prestigious award recognizes those people, who through stupid and
inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their
genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for this year's
award.

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained
from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than
his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while
expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic
miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which
he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him
plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a
blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the
way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
enough to totally
obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
fishing in the River Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to
the main power
supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric
shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water.
The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live
wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic
twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first
anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his
car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and
his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to
have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the
victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt
of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and
pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long
lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his
competitive spirit
by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a
drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time
limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8
points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of
236, (winners never quit)! which had also netted him the literally
staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than
Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the
usual temple of
overindulgence, the restroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to
sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic
pharmacologist estimated
that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within
1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to
0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped.
The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was
fine the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not
known whether Allan required any further embalming.

(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the
vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround
the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor
Alan Renfry told reporters.

First Runner Up Award goes to ... (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of
armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and
ordnance.
Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends
recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a
local cafe in the
southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
antitank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper
reported.

And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is..... (5 September 1999, Jerusalem)
The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among
terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two
coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three
terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed
that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A
closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three
days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings
time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot,
involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist
time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been
prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings
time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a
result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated,
delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

By Naughty God (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

These are just funny.

> World-class Idiots...(sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction)
> >
> > I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
> > Poison Control Center. Today, this woman called in, very upset
> > because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
> > reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need
> > to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the
> > end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
> > some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
> > I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room
> > right away.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > HIGHWAY IDIOTS
> > I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into
> > the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and
> > the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked
> > the manager what had happened and he told me that the driver had set
> > the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------- COMPUTER
> > IDIOTS
> > My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office
> > of a large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have
> > problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman
> > in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke
> > coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire
> > downtown?"
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to
> > steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
> > getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float
> > on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter
> > coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on
> > the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
> > They are no longer employed at Boeing.
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As
> > an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide
> > pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the
> > paint counter."
> > One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with
> > the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the
> > balls in toys who needs assistance."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------
> > A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown
> > Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikk
> > up.Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to
> > give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen
> > him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
> > teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street
> > to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
> > note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
> > spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told
> > him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
> > on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
> > fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
> > Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells
> > Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
> > later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------- A
> > woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
> > car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and
> > told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper
> > and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was
> > arrested.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
> > Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
> > prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
> > Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said
> > Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
> > court.
> > He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a
> > packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five
> > minute recess to compose himself.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------------
> > Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
> > convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.
> > Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a
> > fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that
> > Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying
> > and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive) head off." The
> > defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was
> > there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a
> > 30 year sentence.
> > --------------------------------------------------------------- A guy
> > walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the
> > cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
> > the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
> > the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he
> > refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21." The
> > robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
> > because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his
> > drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
> > looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
> > the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
> > loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
> > address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the
> > robber two hours later.

By Vengence is Mine (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

A priest, a missionary, and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
The Bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

Waiting At The Gates

Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation.
"How did you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "But in the end it isn't too bad. How did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I went home unexpectedly. I found her alone in the bedroom, doing some knitting. Then I ran all over the house looking for the man, starting in the basement, but just as I got to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic."
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

By Aileen Pagan-Welch (Ewokie) on Unrecorded Date:

Trick Or Treat Tips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and
act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around
suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can. (This is one Tas would do)

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't
have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

By Funk Sol Brother (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Ewokie,

I heard that halloween is the 2nd most popular holiday now, next to Xmas, of course. Woah! Let's play "Penny Finder" this year, OK?

By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

Bush's Inaugural Address:


Don't know much about history
Don't know much foreign policy
Can't remember how I got through school
Cocaine and alcohol were just so cool
But what's it matter 'cause my mommy says
"Boy, if you want to you can be the prez
And what a wonderful world this will be"


Don't know much about the women's vote
Don't know much about the bill I wrote
Don't know much about the foreign vets
I've never voted for 'em yet
But I do know if your dad tries hard
He can get you in the National Guard
And what a wonderful place that can be


Now I never claimed to be an A student
But what's wrong with C's?
And maybe by lying to my lovely daughters
I can win their love for me


Don't know much about air pollution
Don't know much 'bout the constitution
Don't know much 'bout th'economy
It never much affected me
But there's one thing that I know for sure
If the rich stay rich and poor stay poor
What a wonderful world this will be


Don't know much about the national debt
Can't say that I've ever paid one yet
If we need to we can sell the States
To the Japanese at discount rates
But I do know if things get bad
Dick and I can always call my dad
And what a wonderful world this will be.

By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

FOUR YEARS LATER... December 30, 2004 / Washington, D.C. (Associated Press) After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 presidential election yesterday. Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until Jan. 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the winner of the 2004 presidential election, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton). Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. "We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks," Bush said. "Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let's get to work!" Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush's victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate Al Gore over the results of the 2000 election. While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president - New York Yankees Manager Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. "At times, it's been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK." Torre's four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankees bench coach Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spit tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia's shoes, angering conservatives. Torre's boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state in an effort to improve U.S. pitching. Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately. Eager to give an aura of permanency to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases. Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former vice president issued a statement today saying, "It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known." The legal tangle over the 2000 election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive "I Voted Today" stickers. Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including: *** Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show, East Wing, West Wing. *** Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at the idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home. Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn't expected back until after Bush's term ends. "One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system," a Bush aide admitted. "But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something." Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

Ummm, that IS the democrats' plan, right? Hillary herself said she was going to set up a "white house in exile" at her place in NY... (awaiting knee-jerk reaction from Nat). ;>

By Bryan Cummings (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT;
Bush to be smitten later today


In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under
God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule the Supreme Court
decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where
the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning on a rare Today Show
appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get
away with this bullshit. . . I've watched analysts argue for weeks now
that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God
and I do know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore
won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."


Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict
overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al
Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's
Word for possible grounds for appeal.


"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist
Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election
is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state
of Florida."


"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of
him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean." God, who
provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that
bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the
White House to "a friggin' idiot."


"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real!
The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them:
Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."


Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's
prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today.In an
act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all
of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions,
sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate
into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.


Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.


God also took time to overrule a few other recent decisions: He overturned
the results of the 1998 NCAA Final Four, awarding the NCAA National
Championship to the North Carolina Tarheels. "There's just no way Utah
beats UNC with Vince Carter and Antawn Jamison! I must have been napping
during that one..."


Sending shockwaves through Hollywood, God also announced that M*A*S*H
should never have been cancelled and commanded the show be returned to the
air, once Jamie Farr can be located. He also ruled that there may be no
more movies starring David Spade.

By Subcriminal (Nat) on Unrecorded Date:

*giggle*