Haiku Error Messages

http://members.aol.com/laughbreak/haiku.html

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

MALICIOUS EMAIL VIRUS THAT
CORRECTS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
SPREADING ON INTERNET.

A new computer virus is rapidly spreading
around the Internet altering millions of email
messages. The virus, named "Big Bertha," is of
unknown origin and termed "malicious" by
computer security experts. After invading an
email recipient's computer, it subsequently
corrects spelling mistakes and errors in grammar
including substitution of complete sentences with
improved style and word usage on a college
level. Several major corporations are alarmed at
its impact and claim the virus has disrupted
business communications on a large scale. "I
received an email from my boss and barely
understood what he was trying to say. I needed a
Thesaurus to get through it," said a top executive
at a major telecommunications firm. A patch to
eradicate the virus from user's computers is
available from the web sites of several virus
protection programs.

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Hah hah hah - tempting. I cry at the amount of bad spelling I see on the web - literally cry. Especially when spell-checkers are so available. It shows that people don't even care about their work/webpages, etc. The spelling is just plain bad! For those of you with bad spelling, get a netscape email account (free) - it corrects your spelling for you at the click of a button!

By j.delgrosso (Jn) on Unrecorded Date:

or u cud just lern how 2 spel.

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Is anyone here tired of Mac jokes? If I hear another I'll cry!

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in the following messages at a UNIX command prompt. Hope you like 'em.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% ^#92;(-
(-: Command not found.

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ drink matter
matter: cannot create

% man sex
No manual entry for sex

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

If people treated cars like they treat computers...


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing
happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle
and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $22,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
car that comes with everything built in!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while
and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash any more!"


HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!"

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

If Operating Systems Ran Your Car
(As written sometime in 1993.)

MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Not only that but once you hire someone to find them, but you can't use more than one of the steering wheel, gear shift, blinkers, brakes, windshield wipers, clutch, accelarator, seat controls, lights, mirrors, or cigarette lighter at the same time. However, Microsoft has included some state of the art technology (tm), with which you might be able to convince a friend to hold the wheel while you fiddle with one of the other things though. You probably won't crash either. Really.

Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train. Using the technology mentioned above, at least two of your four friends in the car are holding onto your wheel at any given time, though they keep passing it off between them, and two of them are drunk.

Windows95
Much like next year's Cadillac, you can't drive it, but Richardo Montalban will be glad to show you the nice Corinthian leather. Our spies tell us that you can drive to the store as fast as you want, but if you want to pick up any friends you have to bring their freight train along. The front seat passanger will keep trying to shift gears or steer for you. The car can theoretically go really fast on the highways but the highways aren't built yet and your friends will whine about wanting to take the scenic route anyway.

NT 3.1
This time you can drive the freight train instead of the car tacked onto the front, though you can climb into the car if you need to. The train will travel in excess of 200 miles per hour but it only goes where the rails go.

NT 3.5
Now it's more of a bullet train with a virtually unlimited supply of cars in the back. While it's faster and doesn't derail as often, it only goes where the monorails go, and you know how many of those there are. The paint job is much better, too.

Cairo
Richardo Montalban is back with a vengance. He's got the new Cadillac Bullet Train for the roads that haven't been built yet but at least they aren't the monorails. Not only does it have Corinthian leather, but it will switch to any other sort of seat covering if you want. Richardo assures us that it will be ready for the showroom season of 1995^H6^H7.

Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store, and the car drives you to church, at 8 miles an hour. On the way, the brakes refuse to work because of a "type 1 error". You try typing "1" but nothing happens. The car is only available in beige, and no one else makes parts or does maintenance except the dealer you bought it from. Your gas may not work with the current release.

Macintosh System 7.5
As above, but the interior is a demo of next years model. There is a button on the dashboard to open the sun roof, which hasn't been implmented yet. On a good note, the car takes unleaded, leaded and diesel now, but it still only comes in one color, and the frame, shell, and chasis of the car is dependant on your engine. The car goes really fast when you are trying to drive some places, but still moves at 8mph when going to others, and no matter where you go, it guzzles lots of gas.

Macintosh System 8
You get in the car, and tell the engine to go to the store. The engine in turn tells the *real* engine, which is hidden in the trunk, to drive the car, which then tells the steering wheel to start paying attention to what you want it to do. Eventually you'll just be able to get in the trunk with the engine, but for now you'll have to wait. Whether this car will drive on roads built before 1992 is still up in the air. Rumor has it, that when the car is finally released, you will be able to give your friends each a set of keys, and the car steering and handling will adjust itself to each drivers ability, but the car will still only come in one color.

SysV UNIX
You get in the car and type "grep store". After reaching speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

BSD UNIX
You get in the car, whereupon AT+T slaps you with a lawsuit, and you get to sit in your garage for a year or two.

Unixware
You pay through the nose for your car, which only takes super unleaded premium gas. Then the chauffeur lets you in the car, which takes you to the store at speeds in excess of 200 miles per hour.

AFS UNIX
You get in the car, and are able to look at everyone else's dashboard in the universe. You can't touch their controls though. You try to drive somewhere and your car has to get gas from mit first. When you finally get going your car tries to get to the store without using highways because your makefile can't understand distributed volumes. Halfway there you stop cold and have to wait in traffic while the file servers clean up their callbacks. Meanwhile, people keep walking in to your car and looking around. On the plus side, you only need one car and all your friends can use it at the same time.

Linux
You start to get in the car, but the door is being replaced. After waiting for that, you sit down, and wait for the key to be implemented. You turn the key, and the car starts up. Then someone goes and replaces all the fuel linkages. Now you have to get back out of the car, so it doesn't blow up. Not that blowing up is a problem, because you're never in the car long enough to actually get anywhere.

SunOS
This used to be a nice comfortable family sedan but every year it looks more and more like a tank. The steering wheel just turned into a joystick and you'll have to move your seats to fit around the turrent mounting. On the plus side you finally have a gun.

HP/UX
The car is really fast, but the controls don't look like those on any car you have ever driven before. Lots of the features you want have not yet been implemented, but they are coming "Real Soon Now"(tm). The car has really cool blinking lights on the dashboard. You don't know what most of them mean, but they are really pretty.

Y-Cos
You try six times to get in the car. Eventually the door actually opens, and you sit down and type "grep store". This takes 6 tries because the tty driver won't interface with the gear shift. Finally, you get the clutch and accelarator to sync correctly, and you get shot to the barber shop before it has opened for the day. You realize your mistake and readjust so you wind up at the store, but by the time you get there your temp space has been reallocated and your car just drives in circles until the queue manager shoots your wheels out.

A/UX
You get in the car but it only takes leaded gas. As SysV above, it takes you to the barber shop instead of the store, but as Sys7 above, it won't go faster than 8 mph.

A/IX
You get in the car and your seat never fits you. It never will, so don't worry about replacing it. The steering wheel only turns left.

Mach
The car is really really fast, unless you're trying to corner, in which case it's really really slow. You can pick any body and suspension you want, but none of them are useful except the one that you have to have a truck to be allowed to use.

NeXTStep
As Mach above, but you're not allowed any choices. You can go just about anywhere you want, but you'd better be prepared to find it yourself. Once you've found it the first time, it becomes amazingly easy to find it and anything similar. Your car looks really cool, but there's no tradein. Now that the company has stopped trying to force you to drive on their roads only, all the other companies want NeXT to build bodies for them.

OSF/1
You get in the car, whereupon everyone starts arguing over who gets to drive. Everytime you learn half of the controls for the car the manufactuer releases a new model, and changes the kind of gas that it runs on and you have to spend another year trying to figure out the new car. After three years of sitting around in the garage, you give up and start using a macintosh.

PowerOPEN
This isn't really an OS, it's a broken suspension with a slow engine and one of two snappy looking steering wheels - one only turns left, the other only turns right. Pick any body you want. The parts have been in your garage for years, but the guy who's supposed to put them together keeps blowing you off.

OS/2
After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motercycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town. New wheels will be out to correct that problem, real soon now.

OS/2 WARP
You get in the car and Paul Reiser's voice whines at you over the radio. You can't see out of your car so you have to buy another car with windows to look out of and put it on top of this car. This probally seems really expensive, but everyone else is doing it, and you want to be cool too, don't you? If you don't buy this car you may get approached by rabid users telling you how much easier your life would be if you had it.

VMS
You get in the car, only to discover that it's only a large box with wheels painted on. You can't touch anyone else's seat. If you try to drive anywhere, it makes a new copy of the car, and sends you there in it. When you try to get out of the box, it collapses.

Amiga
You get in the car and click the store icon. The car goes nowhere, but at least the radio of the car is in perfect quadrophonic sound and you can play "Auto-Bingo" in 16.8 million colors. In two weeks there will be a new radio which will play different songs, and use a different dial system so your old maps don't get you anywhere.

Atari ST
You get in your car, but people dont recognize it as a car, as they all thought that the maker only made go-carts, and everyone thought they went out of business years ago. The new model of your car will be out Very Soon Now (tm) but you won't be able to buy it.

MiNT
You get in the car, which looks really fast. If your friends try to get in the car the car blows up, this will be fixed Very Soon Now (tm). Once you manage to get your car out of your driveway, it can't go anywhere.

SNES
You get on a bike, and ride around your lawn. In 34 days, a neighboor's lawn will be released.

HP 48sx
You get on a tricicle, and use lambda calculus to teleport yourself to the store. None of your friends can understand how the hell you did this, but it doesn't matter, because who actually got to the store, right?

Slide rule
You walk to the store. It may take you a bit longer, but at least your car won't go crashing into a tree and exploding in a thunderstorm.

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

Instructions For Microsoft's New TV Dinner



You must first remove the plastic cover.

By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

^#92;mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: s//start.cook_dindin/yummy^#92;|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: >. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

By Margravine (Ranger) on Unrecorded Date:

Things computers can do in movies

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

Movie characters never make typing mistakes.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.

Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.

You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)

All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.

People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.

A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.

You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)

Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").

If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.

Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)

Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See "Aliens".)

Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)

Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

The Search for Snowflakes
Greetings, I am the Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell, 2voc.
This is my second attempt at writing a non-U.S.S Continental
parody. I hope you enjoy it and if you have time, go read
my other parodies about the U.S.S Continental. Email your
comments to me at pilot12@excite.com.


Uhura: Captain, I am receiving a message from Starfleet
Command.
Kirk: Patch it through to my ready room, Ensign.
Uhura: I'm a Commander, not an ensign.
Kirk: Whatever you say, Lieutenant. {enters ready room}
Hello Admiral Cartwright.
Cartwright: No time for pleasantries Captain. Starfleet
is about to be threatened by a threat greater than
anything we have faced.
Kirk: The Borg?
Cartwright: The Who?
Kirk: The Borg. The Who was a band in the early 70's
and 80's.
Cartwright: Are they Swedish?
Kirk: The Who?
Cartright: No, the Borg. Are they Swedish?
Kirk: Actually, I think they're more French than
anything.
Cartwright: Doesn't sound French. Doh, you know how
expensive these communications are? When Starfleet
sees the transcription of this I'll have my head on
the guillotine.
Kirk: I thought they outlawed that years ago.
Cartwright: They'll probably bring it back for me. I
better go. Maybe the caller I.D. hasn't been
installed yet and Starfleet won't know it's me.
Kirk: Wait you didn't tell-{Cartwright leaves} Oh.
Uhura: Captain, there is a caller for you on line 1.
Kirk: Thank you Uhura. I'll take it in my ready room.
Cartwright: Sorry Jim. I forgot to tell you what this
urgent matter was about.
Kirk: Yeah, that's what I thought.
Cartwright: Well never think that again. I don't want
you going around questioning Admiral's orders and
disobeying the Prime Directive.
Kirk: Oh, I would never do that.
Cartwright: And I believe you. Dang it Jim, because you
interrupted my talk last time about that stupid
German Borg geeks, I have get all dramatic again.
Kirk: My bad.
Cartwright: I was already aware of that. The Federation
is about to face the worst threat of it's existence.
Brett: I do not like you.
Cartwright: Who was that?
Kirk: I don't know. Intruder Alert! All hands,
Intruder Alert! Now what were you trying to tell
me before we were so rudley intrupted?
Cartwright: Good spelling, Kirk. How'd you pass second
grade?
Kirk: I didn't. My dad paid the teacher.
Cartwright: How do you always do this to me, Jim.
Another waste of taxpayers money going down the
drain because you distract me so much I can't stay on
the subject.
Kirk: I feel real bad.
Cartwright: Here comes the fleet Admiral, I gotta make
this fast before I'm caught. You must find two
snowflakes that are exactly alike. That may not
sound important, but trust me, it is. Go now and do
it. Cartwright out.
Kirk: Spock, please come to my ready room. I think
that's where I'm at. Let me check the previous
typings for an indication for what room you need
to come to.
Spock: I am here, Captain.
Kirk: Call me Jim.
Spock: Ok, Captain Jim.
Kirk: Just Jim. Say it with me now Jim-
Spock: Captain Jim-
Kirk: AAAAAAAAAAH! Enough.
Spock: Enough of what Captain Jim?
Kirk: Why do they spell your name with a 'c' and a 'k'
when seperate they form the same sound as they do
together?
Spock: The 'c' and the 'k' are a symbol of my future. The
'c' stands for captain and the 'k' stands for Kirk.
Vulcan names can tell the future.
Kirk: Oh. P. Q. R. S. T. U.
Spock: Captain Jim, certainly you did not call me here to
recite the alphabet.
Kirk: Actually, I did. V. W. X. Y. Z. Now I know my
ABC's next time won't you sing with me.
Spock: No.
Kirk: Why not?
Spock: Singing is irrelevent.
Kirk: Singing is not irrelevent.
Spock: Is too.
Kirk: Is not.
Spock: Is too.
Kirk: Is not.
Spock: Is too!
Kirk: Is not!
Spock: Captain Jim, it is obvious that this arguement is
getting nowhere.
Kirk: Is too.
Spock: Is not.
Kirk: Is too.
Spock: Is not.
Kirk: IS NOT!
Spock: IS TOO!
Kirk: Boom, I tricked you! You just said this arguement
is going somewhere.
Spock: Captain Jim, that is an illogical strategy. Please
tell me why you wanted me in this room before I
go on a psycho rampage and mindmelding your brain to
a computer.
Kirk: Can you really do that?
Spock: Try testing me and we will find out.
Kirk: Let's not and say we did.
Spock: A lie?
Kirk: Yes, that way I can test my hypothesis that
Vulcans can lie.
Spock: That is a lie.
Kirk: So is that, Spock.
Spock: What did you say about me?
Kirk: Nothing.
Spock: YOu just said my name.
Kirk: Nuh uh.
Spock: Liar.
Kirk: Liar liar pants on fire sitting on an electricity
wire. If you don't, I don't care, I'll pull down your
underwear!
Spock: So so suck your toe all the way to Mexico! If you
don't, I will make you, then shove your foot down your
throat until you asphyxiate!
Kirk: No fair, that didn't rhyme.
Spock: Perhaps Not, but it's true.
Kirk: Fine, you win. The reason I called you in here is
we have a new mission from Starfleet.
Spock: Of course it's from Starfleet, who else would it be
from?
Kirk: Well, we could be ROmulan spies and they Romulan
high Command could send us orders.
Spock: No, they couldn't.
Kirk: It could happen. Anyway, the livelihood of the
Federation relies on this mission.
Spock: The Federation's livelihood always relies on our
missions. {in walk the rest of the senior
officers}
Kirk: We must find two snowflakes that are alike.
Scotty: Och, you must be kidding Captain. Everyone knows
that no two snowflakes are alike.
Spock: No, two snowflakes are alike Mr Scott, but the old
saying doesnt say anything about 3 snowflakes being
alike.
Sulu: That's a mighty big jump in logic Mr Spock.
Spock: I have developed several working hypothesis on
how to find the three alike snowflakes. I have
proven that if you can find three snowflakes alike,
then you can find two snowflakes alike.
Chekov: But vhy, Keptain? Vhy snowflakes?
Kirk: I find this hard to believe myself, but all of my
next words are true. I certainly don’t need to
say that this entire conversation must be kept quiet.
Spock: Perhaps you should say it anyway.
Kirk: Fine. This entire conversation must be kept
quiet.
Scotty: {whispers} Okay Captain.
Kirk: Not the-
Everyone: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Kirk: whispers} Not the conversation. That can
be held in mormal tones of voice. {stops
whispering} We cannot tell anyone about this
conversation.
Sulu: Can we tell our selves, Captain?
Kirk: No, remember, the walls have ears.
{everyone stares suspiciously at the walls}
Now, long long ago in a place far far
away, like on Earth in 1807, the
Klingons came amd visited Earth.
Scotty: Wait a minute-
Krik: Scotty, we can't wait a minute.
Scotty: Why were there no records of this before?
Kirk: Don't worry about trivial details. The
Klingons took advantage of our scientists and
signed a treaty with every nation on
earth that if we could find to snowflakes
that were alike, we would own the
Klingon EMpire. If we couldn't find them,
they would own earth. They gave us over four
hundred years to find them, but no one ever
tried. In three days our time will be
up, and Earth will belong to the Klingons.
If we find two snowflakes that are
alike, we own the Klingon Empire.
Checkov: But no two snowflakes are alike, Keptain.
Kirk: Let Spock, explain one more time for you
simple minded fools.
Spock: The saying says no TWO snowflakes are alike. But it
doesn't say anything about THREE
snowflakes not being alike.
Uhura: {knowingly} And if we can find three snowflakes that
are alike, then we can find two
snowflakes alike.
Kirk: Then we will own the Klingon Empire.

On the bridge

Checkov: So vhere are ve going to look for flakes,
Keptin?
Kirk: Flakes? Why we have plenty aboard this ship.
Sulu: I think he means snowflakes.
Chekov: Yeah, snowflakes.
Kirk: I'm thinking maybe we can start at Risa.
Spock: Captain Jim, Risa has no snow.
Kirk: So what, there's lots of women.
Spock: We're looking for snowflakes, remember?
Kirk: You may be looking for snowflakes Spock, but
i'm looking for women.
Spock: What about the Federation?
Kirk: What about the Federation?
Spock: Funny, I have never noticed an echo in
here before.
Kirk: That's because there is no echo. That was
me.
Spock: Fascinating. You are an echo of the past?
Kirk: I am an echo of nothing. I just said the
same thing as you.
McCoy: Who forgot to tell me this parody was
starting?
Spock: Nobody forgot. we just chose not to tell
you.
Kirk: I forgot to, Bones.
Spock: Captain Jim, there is not purpose in
lying.
Kirk: Trust me Spock, there is. We're trying to
find several exactly alike snowflakes to save
the Federation.
McCoy: I suppose this was the bloody Vulcans
idea, wasn't it?
Spock: Doctor, where am I bleeding? I notice no
stains.
McCoy: You're not bleeding Spock, it's an
expression. Do you still have your stupid
katra or is it in my brain?
Scotty: Och, whose turn is it for the katra now?
Kirk: ****it Scott! That joke is very old and
I'd appreciate it if you'd go get drunk or
something!
Scotty: Gladly Captain.
Kirk: Wait, I was kidding! Rats. Never joke about
drinking around Scotty.
Sulu: Let's go to Rura Pente!
Kirk: Yes, there was lots of snow there when we
went, Bones, wasn't there?
McCoy: Stop calling me Bones. You think I look
like a bag of bones? You think I'm big
boned? Is calling me Bones your idea of
funny? Well, stop it, it isn't funny!
Kirk: Rura pente it is, then.


Now Flying to Rura Pente

Kirk: This place sure brings back memories, doesn't
it Bones?
McCoy: No.
Sulu: Doctor, you need to take a chill pill.
McCoy: I'm the Doctor, I don't a helmsmen to
prescribe medicine for me. This isn't the dark ages.
Uhura: No, but with the lights out it's pretty dark.
Chekov: Black hole, dead ahead.
Kirk: Black hole? There won't be snowflakes in
there, SWERVE SULU SWERVE!!! {too late,
they fly into the black hole}
Kirk: Scotty, I need more power!
Scotty: Mirejh oj gjrieo jviow.
Spock: {shouting} Scotty is too drunk to
understand English. I will go to
engineering!
Kirk: {shouting} Spock, I think you should go to
engineering, Scotty's to drunk to understand
English! {Spock leaves, they exit the
black hole}
Chekov: We have exited the black hole.
Kirk: Gee, thanks.
Sulu: We're at Rura Pente. {Spock comes back}
Uhura: We are being hailed.
Kirk: By Rura Pente?
Uhura: Um, no. This may sound a little weird-
Kirk: Don't make me choke it out of you.
Uhura: We are being hailed by the Enterprise.
Kirk: Just a real quick question, aren't we the
Enterprise.
Uhura: Yes.
Kirk: Are you hailing yourself again?
Uhura: No. This is a seperate ship, called the
Enterprise.
Spock: Captain, I believe we have traveled in
time. This is a future Enterprise.
Uhura: They claim to be rescuing their Captain
Kirk and Doctor McCoy.
McCoy: Spock, you idiot. This is a past
Enterprise, not a future Enterprise.
Kirk: Spock, the past has already happened, right?
Spock: Correct.
Kirk: So if we destroyed them, nothing would
happen, right?
Spock: I'm not sure time travel works that way.
Kirk: Chekov, destroy the Enterprise.
Computer: Self destruction in 20 seconds.
Kirk: Not our Enterprise, the other Enterprise.
Chekov: Vhat other Enterprise?
Kirk: Haven't you been paying attention?
Chekov: No, I don't believe in bribes.
Kirk: Bribes, what the **** are you talking about?
Chekov: PAYing attention, get it?
Kirk: ****it Chekov, this isn't time for bad jokes.
You need to stop the self destruction
sequence and destroy the other
Enterprise.
Chekov: Sigh. Vhatever.
Spock: The other Enterprise has been destroyed
Kirk: Now destroy all evidence of man on Rura
Pente.
Chekov: Destroyed, Keptin.
Kirk: Now send down the snowflake analyzer and
analyze everything.
Spock: Everything?
Kirk: Of course everything. What else would we
analyze?
Spock: Snowflakes.
Kirk: Oh yeah. Analyze every snowflake and put
each design on record. Now let's go to Hoth,
the ice planet.
Sulu: But that would give away the rebels secret
base!
Kirk: The snowflakes is more important than the
rebellion.
DarthVader: Well said, my student.
McCoy: Jim, have joined the dark side?
Kirk: NONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!! Now engage
the interdimensional thrusters and take us to
Hoth!


In Orbit Above Hoth

Spock: No sign of the Empire yet.
Sulu: I am detecting use of a ligt saber,
though.
Chekov: This must be when Luke kills that snow
beast.
Kirk: Then the Empire will be here quickly. We
must gather the examples fast.
McCoy: Are you sure you haven't joined the dark
side?
Kirk: Positive.
Spock: Captain Jim, are you sure it is necassary
to kill all these people? Certainly there
is some way we can get around it.
Kirk: There isn't Spock. KNOW YOUR ROLE AND SHUT
YOUR MOUTH!
Brett: I still hate you
Kirk: Chekov, I thought you got rid of that guy.
Chekov: I did Keptin.
Kirk: Then why is he still here?
Chekov: Ummmm, he's not.
Kirk: Chekov, what the **** are you talking about?
Chekov: It is an echo from the past. You cannot
escape from it.
Kirk: Destroy all human proof on Hoth, right
NOW!!!!!!!
Spock: This goes against the Prime Directive.
Look, we have already take analysis of the
planets, and have found two matching
snowflakes! We only need one more, and we
will have three!
McCoy: If we have two, and all we need is two,
why find three?
Spock: If we have three, then we have two, too.
Kirk: No one will wear a tutu on my bridge!
Sulu: No one is wearing a tutu on your bridge.
Kirk: Oh, destroy Hoth. NOW!!!!!!!
Chekov: Empire ships decloaking above Hoth! They
have us surrounded.
Kirk: Well then, I guess we have to surrender.
McCoy: Jim, we have the snowflakes. Let's make a
run for it and go home!
Kirk: NO! WE MUST SURRENDER!!!!!!!
McCoy: Jim, you have turned to the dark side!
Kirk: So what if I did?
Spock: You sold your soul just for more power?
Kirk: And women. Don't forget women. And I get
to wear a cool cape.
Chekov: I am detecting transports on board the
Enterprise. {Darth Vader and several
unimportant generals appear}
DarthVader: You have done well, my son.
Everyone: Gasp!
Spock: So you were the ones who made contact with
early man, when they were defenseless.
That makes much more sense. Klingons do
not slink around making treaties for control
of Earth. They would go all our and
attack. This definitely sounds like one of
your plans.
DarthVader: Very smart. Very logical. I was almost
afraid you would figure it our before we
got here and stop Kirk.
Spock: I am honored.
DarthVader: As soon as we gain control of earth, we will
have a foothold into your universe. Then
as the people see such new land to explore
and conquer, they will leave this pitiful
rebellion and rejoin the Empire as it
becomes a multiversal power!!!!!!!
Chekov: Do something Mr Spock!
DarthVader: You are as helpless as you look. Jim,
destroy Hoth.
Kirk: With pleasure. {pushes button that says
destroy Hoth, but nothing happens} Power is
down, Scotty must have shut down the warp
core!
DarthVader: Impossible, he was killed right as we beamed
on board.
Scotty: Excue me mr Vader, I believe your on the wrong
ship. {beams Vader and cronies back to a
ship} Spock, you now have control of the
ship.
Spock: Thank you Mr Scott. Chekov, please escort
Captain Jim to the brig.
Chekov: Vith pleasure. {they leave}
Spock: Warn the rebels, Uhura, and Sulu, destroy
all ships except the one with Vader on it.
Sulu: Aye.
Spock: Now engage interdeimensional thrusters and take us
back to earth, where we can show the
snowflakes to Starfleet and save Earth from
Empire control. Mr Scott, congratulations on
your acting there, I actually thought you
were drunk.
Scotty: I was laddie, I was. But it didn't matter
did it?
Spock: That's a wrap ladies and gents, Say good
night Gracie.
Everyone: Good night Gracie.


Well, that's it. Thank you for reading this, now go read
some of my others. I have two about TNG and about 700 ones
about my ship, the Continental. If you want to know more
about The Continental, go to andrew.brinkman.net.

Live Long and Prosper
2voc
Vulcan Ambassador to Taco Bell

By Jeff Montgomery (Jeff) on Unrecorded Date:

I found this on some small web site
Although it was so late one night
I failed to keep the site writ' down
so upon my face, there is a frown

For I cannot give the credit
For the one who did so edit
This story, no more a bore
With the title....


---Nothing more---

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high
And wasted paper on the floor,

Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
Long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
Turning yet to churn some more.

"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer,
Only this and nothing more,

Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
Ones I'd never faced before.

Carefully, I weighed the choices
as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key,
Choosing one and nothing more,
From Choose "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
Hoping all would be restored,

Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted
Words appearing as before.

Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
Haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine,
I begged and cried and then I swore.

Now in desperation,
Trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation,
Just as senseless as before.

Cursor blinking,
Angrily winking,
Blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted
By my own machine, accosted
Getting up I turned away
And paced across the office floor.

And then I saw dreadful sight:
A lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
Shook me to my very core.

The lightning zapped my previous data
Lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world
Is wrought where data will be stored,

Beyond the reach of mortal souls,
Beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal,
Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander,

Lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Computer Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See...

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

2. The information went data way -------->

3. The name is Baud...James Baud.

4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don't *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. ...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found...Out Of Memory...

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?