Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad
breath. He came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Heh heh
-Ewokie

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

NATO CLAIMS "PUNISHING BLOW"
AGAINST SERBS BY BOMBING ATM
MACHINE IN BELGRADE.

NATO Supreme Warlord Ian Thatcher claimed a
"punishing blow" was inflicted on Serb forces by
the total destruction of an ATM cash machine in
downtown Belgrade. The machine was hit by a
combination of "smart bombs" that roamed the
streets of the centuries old city in Yugoslovia
until they located their target. "This will send a
powerful message that we will not tolerate the
atrocities being committed by the Serbs by
denying them access to a cash machine at a
convenient downtown location. If Milosevic
doesn't back down and accept the peace plan,
we will follow-up by bombing a phone booth
outside a pub popular with the secret police,"
Thatcher said.

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

See, this is exactly the kind of **** I've come to expect... this bombing is a joke, and now we're bombing ATM's??? COME ON! These are our tax-dollars here. Clinton's using STATE-OF-THE-ART technology for these stupid little posturing stunts. I can't even believe what I'm reading here. ;)

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

:)

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

This came from a page on the web... for the sake of all, I shall not say where, but...

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

let's see if this works... 2 cool!

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

let's see if this works... 2 cool!

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Weird, all my stuff is being double-posted

Is that humor?

"Humor! I love it!"

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

Actual Signs

On a Tennessee highway:

"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:

"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:

"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Ha ha! I love these! You always find the best jokes, Bry!

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

College Applicant

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in response to this question:

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT,
BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:

ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE
REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing , I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde
of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When
I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abrstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David
Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food
item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week: when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

(The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.)

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

By Rigel (Nat) on Unrecorded Date:

awwwww. Pikachu is sooo cute =)

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

I've been refraining so far, but it's beginning to grow difficult for me to resist my urges to get a shot-gun and hunt down that little bugger and blow him into little, tiny, gory bits. But, for the sake of Sol, who is my friend, I will continue to refrain from this violent tendency, until such time as he comes to his senses to realize this is the second reincarnation of Barney, the purple demon. Thank You... J

By Tony (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Now that was uncalled for!
Pikachu finds it in his heart to forgive your blasphemy!

By Rigel (Nat) on Unrecorded Date:

Hey! Comparing Barney to Pikachu is not MORAL! Unlike BArney, Pikachu is genuinely cute and doesn't intent to corrupt the world's children with horrid, ear-bleeding, squishy songs.

Nat

By Aileen Pagan-Welch (Ewokie) on Unrecorded Date:

STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT

By Rod Hilton

FADE IN:

INT. SPACESHIP

LIAM NEESON
It is vitally important we enter trade negotiations with
the federation.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I agree. This one planet and how it trades with other
planets is certainly an important enough topic to be the entire
plot of a Star Wars film.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

EVIL ALIEN
Werr. What wirr we do now? My evil, obviousry Asian
race must prevair. I wirr not face de Jedi. Send de droid.

INT. SPACESHIP - BACK TO THE JEDI

A droid enters.

LIAM NEESON
I sense a disturbance in the force.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, ••••.

Suddenly, numerous pieces of CGI enter and begin attacking the
Jedi. The Jedi use the high concentration of midichlorians in their
bodies to use the force to destroy the CGI. They run outside.

EXT. NABOO

They run until they smack into some more CGI.

JAR JAR
Who might you be?

LIAM NEESON
(staring in the general direction of Jar Jar, but not
really staring at him) I am a Jedi. There are bad things coming.
Take me to your homeland.

JAR JAR
I see. That is quite interesting. I will guide you to
the land from which I have come.

Suddenly, GEORGE LUCAS realizes the Jar Jar toys aren't selling
well enough.

JAR JAR (cont^@d <mailto:cont^@d )
Oh! Meesa sorry! Meesa ment to saysa: Weesa can go
back to Jamaica mon, okeyday?

EWAN MCGREGOR
(staring at something right above Jar Jar) Good. Do
you have a hotel room for me and Liam? We have..uh..Jedi business to
attend to.

JAR JAR
Weesa can smokesa some ganja, mon.

AUDIENCE
Die. Die, Jar Jar. Nobody likes you.

INT. SPACESHIP - MAIN DECK

The queen appears over some kind of thing which appears to be
better in technology than the kinds of things in the original trilogy.

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am the queen. You've gone too far this time. I will
tell the senate and you will be in a lot of trouble.

EVIL ALIEN
I'm so sorry, Amidala.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, no, I'm Padme now.

EVIL ALIEN
I thought when in the makeup, you were the queen.

NATALIE PORTMAN
No, I'm whoever is playing the queen at the time. The
voice changes don't help you figure this out.

EVIL ALIEN
Stop trying to confoose me! Droids, capture the
queen.. or Padme.. er.. just capture everyone!

LIAM and EWAN and, ••••, JAR JAR too take NATALIE PORTMAN and other
members of her staff onto a ship and they escape. They go to Tatooine.

INT. TATOOINE - SOME SHOP WHERE JAKE LLOYD IS HELD SLAVE

JAKE LLOYD
Hi there! Golly I'm cute.

NATALIE PORTMAN
You certainly are, little boy.

JAKE LLOYD
I'm the only one disturbed by the fact that I'm gonna bone
you in episode two?

LIAM NEESON
Jake, I need you to have a pod race so I can get the parts I
need and free you.

JAKE'S MOM
No, I won't allow him to pod race. He'll get hurt. (pause)
Ok, I will. Nevermind. Good luck.

They pod race. It looks really COOL.

GEORGE LUCAS
(attempting subtlety)
Oh! Look! There's a video game of this scene... uh.. buy it!

Hey, I had to sacrifice a part of my grand vision for these movies to
include a part that could be turned into a game, so buy it or I'll do
it even more in episode 2.

JAKE wins! He has to leave his mother, which will become very
important in the next movie. He also has to leave his protocol
droid, THREEPIO.

AUDIENCE
He built C-3PO? Why wasn't this ever mentioned in the
original trilogy?

GEORGE LUCAS
Because I just made it up. Speaking of stuff I'm just making
up, how do you like the midichlorian bullshit I pulled out of my ass?

They all get into their ship and go to Coruscant.

INT. CORUSCANT - JEDI COUNCIL

LIAM NEESON
I want to train this boy.

YODA
Nope. Sorry. Too old the boy is. Clouded his future seems.

Vague my worries are.

LIAM NEESON
Well, he is the chosen one. He will bring balance to
the force. I'm training him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yoda told you no, muthafucka. What the •••• is wrong with
yo, bitchass? I'll fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna be a fuckin bad ass in
the next two fuckin movies, you know. My toy has a fuckin lightsaber.

LIAM NEESON
I'm going to go over your head and train him myself, then.
So there.

He exits.

INT. GALACTIC SENATE MEETING

IAN MCDIARMID
Damn I'm evil.

Suddenly, we see E.T! This does not make the film HYPER-CUTESEY
like Return of the Jedi, but CLEVER.

EXT. NABOO

NATALIE PORTMAN
I am either the queen or Padme now. Regardless, your
cheesy-looking race of annoying, unrealistic characters need to ally
with our badly acting race of creatures so we can capture this one guy.

BOSS NASS
One guy? The climax of this film revolves entirely around
us capturing one, pretty insignificant guy? Doesn't that make this
whole thing kinda pointless?

NATALIE PORTMAN
No more pointless than the fact that this entire film
revolves around taxes on trade and the cutting off of one, pathetic
little planet half-filled with annoying creatures.

They go after the bad guy or whatever. Who cares?

Finally DARTH MAUL shows up for a prolonged fight sequence. Darth
wears black boots, a black cloak, a black shirt, has a red lightsaber,
wears red and black face paint, and has horns. He is EVIL.

Meanwhile, the Naboo people go after this one insignificant guy and we
really don't care.

Meanwhile, the Gungans go against a bunch of droids and we really don't
care except we want the Gungans to die.

Meanwhile, Anakin takes off into space to join the space-battle, which
is mostly over by the time he arrives. We care a little bit.

INT. SOME KIND OF THINGY WITH SOME RED FORCE FIELDS

MAUL, LIAM, and EWAN all have a huge lightsaber battle which has had a
lot of effort put into the choreography and is thousands of
times better
than any other lightsaber battle in a Star Wars film.

AUDIENCE
Whoa! This is really cool!

Suddenly, we go back to one of the other three stupid battles going on
at the time. Eventually, we return to the good one.

DARTH MAUL
(menacing as hell) Grrr.

Eventually, MAUL stabs LIAM, which is very surprising, especially to
those of us who bought the film score which has a song whose
title gives
away the ending. He then kicks EWAN into a shaft. EWAN grabs onto
something on the side and holds on for dear life.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Well, you certainly are an experienced fighter and there is
little question you could kick pretty much anyone's ass.

DARTH MAUL
Muahahahaha.

Slowly, EWAN uses the force to grab LIAM'S lightsaber, jump up out
of the shaft, over MAUL, press the button on the saber, and slice
MAUL in half while MAUL stands there like an idiot and does nothing at
all. He dies.

EXT. SPACE

JAKE LLOYD
Whoaaaaa! I'm in space! Now this is pod racing! Yipee!
Uh oh! Man, I'm so cute.

JAKE goes into a hangar, where the main reactor for the ship is
kept. He accidentally blows it to ••••.

JAKE LLOYD (cont'd)
Uh oh! I better leave! Let's leave Artoo!

They exit quickly. The ship explodes, which stops all the droids and
just makes everything great, because it's always enjoyable when a
serious conflict is resolved with a slapstick accident.

EXT. THE STREETS OF NABOO

The Gungans are dancing and such, still alive. A huge party ensues.

AUDIENCE
Wow! Watching this party and all this celebration has
convinced me that the tiny, pathetic problem that has been taken care
of is actually really significant! Hooray!

Suddenly, the AUDIENCE realizes that behind all the mindless
celebration and kiddie cartoon bullshit, what actually happened
was the future-emperor has actually manipulated everything, come into
great power, and that one tiny problem has actually been resolved, but
thousands more have been created.

GEORGE LUCAS
Three years, suckers. I'd make them come out sooner, but I
work very hard on my films, as I am an independent filmmaker due to my
disgust with Hollywood's commercialism. Now go buy some Star
Wars toys!

END

[Note - orignally written by Rod Hilton (xavier@voicenet.com,
http://www.voicenet.com/~xavier/scripts).

By Margravine (Ranger) on Unrecorded Date:

Holmes and Watson went on a camping trip. After a long hike, and a fresh fish dinner in the open air, they retired for the night and dropped off to sleep.

After several hours Holmes awoke and woke Watson, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions upon millions of stars."

"What does that tell you, Watson?"

Watson thought for a moment, "Astronomically it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Mars is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three ante meridian. Theologically, I can see that God is an all powerfull creator. Meterologically, it promises to be a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes, old man?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

By Reflection Surprise Terror For the futur (Smokeduster) on Unrecorded Date:

Things you didn't really want to know...

1. The venom in a Daddy Longlegs spider is more poisonous than a Black
Widow's or a Brown Recluse, but they cannot bite humans because their jaws
won't open wide enough.

2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

3. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

6. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

7. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

8. Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

9. The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas
bursting.

10. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.

11. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

12. There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

13. It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.

14. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

15. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork
than by a poisonous spider?

16. In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.

17. In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30
minutes after eating garlic.

18. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. Polar bears are left-handed.

21. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.

22. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

23. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.

24. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

25. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

26. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

27. A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

28. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood
donors.

29. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

30. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
crashes.

31. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

32. Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."

33. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

34. If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

35. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

36. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter in the English language.

37. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.

38. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember
the word you want.

39. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only
one row of the keyboard.

40. If the population of China walked past you in single file, the linewould
never end because of the rate of reproduction.

41. A snail can sleep for 3 years.

42. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.

43. China has more English speakers than the United States.

44. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

45. Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population
of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.

46. The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.

47. You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.


48. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

49. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it
refers to a distinct part of DNA.

50. No president of the United States was an only child.

51. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times
of war or other emergencies.

52. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.

By Margravine (Ranger) on Unrecorded Date:

INT: CLOUD CITY, BESPIN GANTRY
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick Errol Flynn move by Vader, and Luke's hand goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft! Luke cries
out, holding his stub arm. He backs away, looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No!!! I's not true! It's impossible.

Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: (in tears) NOOOOOO!

Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Vader: Yeah, Threepio. I built him-when I was 7 years old.

Luke: No wonder he's such a pain in the neck!

Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Vader: When you were, what, 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a shielded Trade Federation Droid Control ship ...with a lucky shot!

Luke: Well, I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my T-16 racing through Beggar's Canyon...

Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor! Ten years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open, only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... Right here, baby!

Luke: (looking dejected) But, but, it's not my fault...

Vader: Oh! Here we go... "Poor me! My father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... Boo-Hoo... My daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... Waahhh! Waahhh!"

Luke: (stammering) Shut up! Shut UP!!!

Vader: You're a slacker! You think *I* had a Dad there for *me*? Ha! *I* was conceived by the mitochondrians and raised by my mother in slavery! But by the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Vader: I was wrong... You know what - you're not my kid! You're not good enough to be my kid!

Luke, in tears, takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him...

Vader: And get a haircut!

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

ha ha ha! That rocks, Ranger!

By Damien Ertle (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

Arken Tenna walked at night.
Arken saw his final sight.
Now the question seems to be.
What the heck did Tenna see?

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

Huh?

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

What you talking bout willis?

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

Re -2:

Arkansas & Tennessee. A play on words to say the names of 2 states. Why, you ask? The answer:

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Sol cries

By Damien Ertle (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

Sorry guys. I thought it would get a laugh. Actually I found on a tomb stone.

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Wanted to post these in Town Pub, just couldn't make it stick without everyone suspecting a gratuitous image-post (which it would be) -

May I present dancin' Austin and pals!

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

Facts you should know if you ever get on a quiz show:

1. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses
every
letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx
communications)
2. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter
is uncopyrightable.
3. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.
4. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
and
purple.
5. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
6. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
7. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
9. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of
yore
when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
ground
floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
10. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name
of the Don McLean song.)
11. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history.
> Spades -King David;
> Clubs -Alexander the Great;
> Hearts-Charlemagne;
> and Diamonds -Julius Caesar.
12. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
13. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
without killing them used to burn their houses down -hence the
expression
"to get fired."
14. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John
Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
15. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
16. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law that
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
17. An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
18. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
19. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every
five
must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
times of
war or other emergencies.
20. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General Purpose" vehicle, G. P.
21. The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as is
necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still
had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and
whites.
22. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
23. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
24. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in

Colorado.
25. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
26. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able
to make change for a dollar.
27. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a
Superbowl. (Remember that all you Detroit Lions fans)
28. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports
games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
Major
League All-Star Game.
29. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
30. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
license.
31. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's
supply of footballs.
32. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are
already married.
33. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola,
Budweiser, in that order.
34. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
35. Pound for pound, hamburgers (the ones that went upstairs) cost more
than
new cars.
36. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms
of
their hands.
37. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale
of
vodka.
38. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every
year.
39. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the
world's
nuclear weapons combined.
40. Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
41. Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.Average of the

Rolling Stones:50.6.
42. Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
43. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
44. Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and
chocolate.
45. There are coffee flavored PEZ.
47. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney
cartoon
features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the

movie.
48. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in
the air, the person died in battle; If the horse has one front leg in
the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; If the
horse
has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
50. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
51. The word "samba" means" to rub navels together."
52. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
53. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the 50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
54. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World
War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
55. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.
56. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
57. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
58. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the little man.

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out.  They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.  So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card.  And got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?'  So I stabbed him."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see? I'm sawing this piece of wood in half!" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."  The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye.

He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!"

The little boy then asked, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on," answered the pirate.

Next, the little girl asked, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well," says the pirate, "I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye!"

The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim "How did THAT cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate replies, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

I'm posting these jokes for my entertainment. I hope I haven't offended thee.
_____

Three guys, a Texan, a Russian and a guy from New Jersey find themselves seated at the same table in a restaurant in London, at the time of the Mad Cow disease scare.

The waiter says, "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of beef so you can't order steak."

The Texan asks: "What is a shortage?"
The Russian asks: "What is a steak?"
The guy from New Jersey asks: "What's 'excuse me'?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A lunatic went to the psychiatrist because he firmly believed that he was a lonely piece of corn. Eventually,after a long series of treatments, the psychiatrist was able to convince him that he was a human being, not a piece of corn.

"Thank you, Doc," he said as he left the clinic. "It's such a relief to have this all straight in my mind now."

Two minutes later he was back in the office, trembling in fear.

"What's the problem?" asked the psychiatrist. "I thought we had this all worked out!"

"Oh, I'm OK, Doc," said the man. "I know that I'm a human being. But do he pigeons know?"

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

hmm -hmm ha ha!

(As Arthur and the Tick try to infiltrate El Seed's Corn Army disguised as corn)

Corn Soldier : What kind of Corn Soldiers are you supposed to be?

Arthur : We're Kernels!

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid?"

So, to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900 -- $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700 -- $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like those guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

One very cold arctic morning, Junior polar bear approached his mother fishing on an iceberg. "Mom, am I pure polar bear, or could I perhaps be part brown bear or grizzly bear?"

"Why son, you are pure polar bear on my side. I am not sure about your father though, so maybe you could ask him." replied Mommy Polar bear.

Off went junior to find Daddy. He eventually came across his father sunbathing belly up on the ice.

"Dad, am I pure polar bear, or could I perhaps be part brown bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I am nothing but pure polar bear through and through as my father was before me and his father before him." replied Daddy Polar bear. "Why do you ask?"

Junior looked up at his father and said, "'Cause I'm bloody freezing!"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

I don't know if you've heard this one before. If so, sorry for repeating it. If not, enjoy. It's based on a true story. People can be pretty stupid.

******

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word-perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word-perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

That's my favorite one. The cyber-legend I heard had the Help-Desk guy fired at the end, and saying that the whole thing was worth it. I'm almost a little sad to see a second version, because then I think that it might be a fake story, and it is just so funny that I want it to be true! Sigh, then of course it probably is anyway, and people just love retelling it!

Houdini, was it you who had someone come into the computer lab with a 5 1/4 inch disk and used scissors on it so that it would fit into the 3 1/2 inch slot, then cried when you told her that she'd just destroyed her own disk and that the data on it was unrecoverable now??? Huh??? Too funny.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

I believe the original cyber-legend was told by me, but I didn't tell it verbatim.

Consequently, yes--the guy was fired.

By Solenoid (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Does anyone have the other version that they could post in here? It was also in the first person I recall.

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Tuesday, February 23, 1999 - 10:45 am:

A man who actually works as a technical assistance help-line guy actually went through the following conversation, or one extremely similar to it...

User: My computer isn't working.

Tech: OK. Are there any messages on the screen?

User: No.

Tech: Is the power button switched on?

User: Yes!

Tech: Is your monitor plugged into your computer?

User: Lemme check... pause Yes.

Tech: Is your monitor power cord plugged in snugly?

User: Lemme check again... pause Yes.

Tech: OK. Are you using a surge suppressor or power strip?

User: I'll check, but it'll be hard to see.

Tech: Why is that?

User: Because it's dark in here.

Tech: Can you turn on a light nearby to help you see?

User: No.

Tech: Why not?

User: Because the power's out at my house.

pause

Tech: Sir, do you still have the packaging your machine came in?

User: Yes. I got it two days ago. Why?

Tech: I want you to disconnect everything and pack up your computer. Gather all of your receipts and go back to the store you bought it from. Find the salesman who sold it to you, and tell him this. Do you have a pen and paper? I want you to write it down.

User: Yea, hang on... pause OK. Go ahead.

Tech: Write this... "Please take back this computer which you sold me the other day. I was wrong to buy it, since I am not intelligent enough to know how to use it, nor understand the basic concept of how electricity works."

The technician was summarily fired. He says it was worth it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Tony (Sol) on Tuesday, February 23, 1999 - 11:12 am:

DIES LAUGHING

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

PS--look in the geek humor topic. This is like, the third or fourth post in the archive.

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

(sniff sniff)

Yeah, that's da money!

By Aileen Pagan-Welch (Ewokie) on Unrecorded Date:

Hi!!

I know I have been missing in action lately.. but my life has been sooooo hectic! Between work, marriage responsibilities, family crisises (is that even a word?) hurricanes and tropical storms.. life has not slowed down yet!! But I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you.. and that I think of you often. That said.. I want to wish everyone a happy holloween!! Don't forget to set your clocks back one hour this weekend.

Now.. in keeping with the topic..so that Bryan won't yell at me... I have a lame holloween joke to share.

Why was the holloween witch incapable of getting pregnant?


Because her husband had a hollow-weenie.

*insert moans and groans here*

Happy All Hollows Eve, Everyone!!


Tricks and treats...
Ewokie

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

:)

Heheh.. Ewokie, yer so naughty! Where did you get that gem of a joke? :> The *scary* thing is I actually think its pretty funny.

Happy Halloween Ewokie. Yer so boo-rif-ic! ;>

I'll take some treats, hold the tricks, on whole wheat bread plz.

-Bryan

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

I got a joke!! My friend told me this and I thought it was hilarious. You may think otherwise:

How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a hole. You put in some ash and some peas. When the elephant goes in to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

*laughter from everyone* I know people, it's really funny, yet adorable at the same time. Like me!

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Did you hear about the Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist who would lie awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog?

By Bryan (Houdini) on Unrecorded Date:

Heheh. Maybe that is why some relgious beliefs are refered to as dog-ma!

=)

By Margravine (Ranger) on Unrecorded Date:

Oh, sorry man, my karma just ran over your dogma...

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

'just replace the word "accidentally" with "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with the word "son." '


Lionell Hutz
Lawyer

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A woman went to the movie theater for the first time in many years. Before the movie started, she bought a big bucket of popcorn.

"That will be five dollars, please," said the clerk.

"Five dollars! Why, that's outrageous! When I was here last, popcorn was only fifty cents!"

"Oh, you will enjoy the movie so much more this time!" said the clerk. "It has sound now."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough.

By Jeff Montgomery (Jeff) on Unrecorded Date:

How do you keep Lev joke readers in suspense?

- Jeff

PS: I'll post the answer later...
PPS: Tony: I've caught up in the Humor topic! :)

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Good job, Jeff! That's a good start. Choufie!

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Shaka laka boom!

Here's another:

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest.  Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water.  He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Lying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Nuts! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

By Who yo Daddy? (Sol) on Unrecorded Date:

Ha ha - Amanda, your stories always bring a smile to my face! Although I know some Marines that'd swear this story was about the Air Force...

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

And I know some guys in the Air Force who'd swear this was about the Navy... ;>

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

My grandpa was in the Marines. But he was kicked out, because someone stole his uniform.

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Insomnia: A contagious disease transmitted from babies to parents.

By I am (Knight_hawk) on Unrecorded Date:

My father would have said they were in the army. He was in the Navy.

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Inigo Montoya: Fezzik, you did sonsing right!
Fezzik: Don't worry, Inigo, I won't let it go to my head.
  -- "The Princess Bride"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

While away the hours with the PERPETUAL BUBBLEWRAP!

http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

These quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him any where, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Works best under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it's only to change feet."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the Other one."

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens."

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.

"Well what is it, Mary?"

"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father."

"Oh, Mary,"  said the father, "that's terrible.  Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"

"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?"

Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked,  "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.  In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: “Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.”

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTINGS:

Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?” I said, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?” He smiled and nodded knowingly, “That’s why we ask.”

Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?”

Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager spoke up and said, “this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.” Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”
“I know,” answered the young man.- “I already got that side.”

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM GEORGE CARLIN

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of"assteroids"?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

13. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

George Carlin is hilarious!

-----

John and Doug decided to build a bungee jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, to make some money.  After it was built, they had great crowds, but nobody was buying tickets.

After several days of this, Doug decided to demonstrate.  He climbed the tower, strapped the cords to his ankles, waved to the crowd, and leaped. He fell almost to the crowd before springing back. As he bounced back to the ledge, John noticed Doug's clothes were ripped.

The second time Doug bounced, John saw blood on his temple.  After Doug fell toward the ground again and bounced toward the platform, John saw cuts and a swollen eye.

Mystified, John decided to end the demonstration. He hauled his partner onto the platform.  Doug was a bloody mess.

John asked, "Doug! What happened?"

Doug groaned, "I don't know, man, but what in the world is a pinata?"

By Amanda (Starkindler) on Unrecorded Date:

Remember the Magic 8-Ball? Ever wonder how they worked? Well, you are not alone. Now you can see a complete dissection of the Magic 8-Ball online. All mysteries are revealed. The pictures take a few seconds to load, but it's worth it!
Magic 8-Ball Dissection: http://ofb.net/8ball/procedure.html

By The One Known Only as (Greyfox) on Unrecorded Date:

A rich white guy decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited a few of his buddies. He also invited Leroy, the only black guest at the party. He held the party in the backyard of his mansion. Everybody was having a good time drinking, dancing, and talking to the ladies.

At the height of the party, the rich white guy said, "I have a man-eating alligator in my pool and I will give anyone a million dollars if he is man enough to jump in.” All of a sudden, there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! HE WAS FIGHTING THE ALLIGATOR AND KICKING ITS A$$! He was doing head-butts, jabs, choke-holds, all kinds of sh|t. Water was splashing, the alligator was screaming. Leroy finally strangled the alligator and it sank to the bottom. Leroy then slowly got out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him.

The rich white guy said, "Damn… I guess I owe you million dollars..."

Leroy said, " No, that's okay."

The rich white guy said, "Man, I have to give you something, you won the bet. How about half a million?"

The brother said, “No.”

The rich white guy said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something... how about stock options... a Rolex... maybe a Porsche...”

Again, Brother-man said "No."

The confused rich white guy then asked, "Leroy, what is it you want?"

Leroy replied, "I just want the muthaf#cka who pushed me in the pool!"